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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Jon Gruden Still Talking Inside ESPN Broadcast Booth 45 Minutes After End Of ‘Monday Night Football’

WASHINGTON—ESPN’s Monday Night Football commentator Jon Gruden reportedly continued speaking into his microphone for 45 minutes following the conclusion of last night’s Eagles–Redskins matchup, incessantly rambling on about the potential of rookie players, his experiences as an NFL coach, and quarterback throwing mechanics. “I’m telling you, if the Eagles are going to keep running a one-deep, RGIII just needs to look him off and that slot receiver is going to be wide open all night,” Gruden reportedly babbled aloud, standing alone in the darkened broadcast booth overlooking the completely empty stadium as crew members packed the last cases of camera equipment into the production truck. “This kid is something special, and I love watching him go out there and play like he’s having fun. He’s what I like to call a true competitor.” Witnesses confirmed that after the rest of the production team left the stadium, Gruden continued discussing the intricacies of the Eagles’ spread offense as a FedExField janitor attempted to vacuum around his feet.

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