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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Jon Gruden Still Talking Inside ESPN Broadcast Booth 45 Minutes After End Of ‘Monday Night Football’

WASHINGTON—ESPN’s Monday Night Football commentator Jon Gruden reportedly continued speaking into his microphone for 45 minutes following the conclusion of last night’s Eagles–Redskins matchup, incessantly rambling on about the potential of rookie players, his experiences as an NFL coach, and quarterback throwing mechanics. “I’m telling you, if the Eagles are going to keep running a one-deep, RGIII just needs to look him off and that slot receiver is going to be wide open all night,” Gruden reportedly babbled aloud, standing alone in the darkened broadcast booth overlooking the completely empty stadium as crew members packed the last cases of camera equipment into the production truck. “This kid is something special, and I love watching him go out there and play like he’s having fun. He’s what I like to call a true competitor.” Witnesses confirmed that after the rest of the production team left the stadium, Gruden continued discussing the intricacies of the Eagles’ spread offense as a FedExField janitor attempted to vacuum around his feet.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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