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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Jon Hamm To Overenthusiastic Fan: 'You're Ruining Me For Everyone'

NEW YORK—A visibly exasperated Jon Hamm, star of the hit AMC series Mad Men, announced Monday that overly exuberant fan Marla Parker was ruining him for everybody else by constantly blathering about his talent and good looks. "Take it easy, you're starting to really annoy people," said Hamm, who told reporters he risks a public backlash if Parker keeps mentioning to her coworkers that, in addition to being a gifted dramatic actor, he's also very funny. "I'm not irritating, but people will start to think I am because you're so irritating. People associate me with you now. Please shut up." Hamm closed his remarks by urging Parker to devote her attentions to someone who would appreciate it, such as actor Nathan Fillion.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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