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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Jonah Lehrer Working On Book About Neuroscience Behind Why We Falsify Quotes

NEW YORK—Following his admission this week that he fabricated quotes he attributes to Bob Dylan in his nonfiction bestseller Imagine, disgraced former New Yorker staff writer Jonah Lehrer announced he had begun work on a new book detailing the unseen neurological factors and genetic patterns behind why we completely invent our source material. "It will take an in-depth, and often whimsical, look at how the quote-falsifying mind works, as well as the sociological conditions that allow such a mind to produce fraudulent work at a very fast pace," said Lehrer, adding that the book would also explore how the human mind, historically, has been able to use invented sources to support vague or fundamentally unsound pop science theories. "What I hope to convey is the notion that, far from being anomalous, utterly horseshit fabricated quotes are, in a sense, constantly hovering around us in the cultural ether, waiting for a certain mind to take hold of them. In that sense they are fundamental to human creativity." Lehrer confirmed the book would contain more than 8,000 citations from sources in the fields of science, medicine, sports, entertainment, politics, and literature.

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