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Jonah Lehrer Working On Book About Neuroscience Behind Why We Falsify Quotes

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NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

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CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

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Books Vs. E-Readers

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Disney Begins Uploading Obama’s Consciousness To Hall Of Presidents Robot

BAY LAKE, FL—In an effort to provide park visitors with the most true-to-life attraction possible, Walt Disney World officials announced Monday that computer technicians have begun uploading Barack Obama’s consciousness into his animatronic robot likeness at the Magic Kingdom’s Hall of Presidents exhibit.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

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Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Video Game Henchmen Plan Meetup Around Explosive Barrels

LEVEL 5—A group of video game henchmen patrolling the warehouse hideout of their criminal mastermind boss informed reporters Wednesday of their upcoming plan to take a brief break from making their rounds to meet up around a stack of five highly explosive barrels.

Study Links Clinical Depression To Getting Dunked On

BOSTON—Identifying a significant factor contributing to the development of the mental health disorder, researchers from Harvard Medical School published a groundbreaking study Thursday that reportedly links clinical depression to getting dunked on.
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Jonah Lehrer Working On Book About Neuroscience Behind Why We Falsify Quotes

NEW YORK—Following his admission this week that he fabricated quotes he attributes to Bob Dylan in his nonfiction bestseller Imagine, disgraced former New Yorker staff writer Jonah Lehrer announced he had begun work on a new book detailing the unseen neurological factors and genetic patterns behind why we completely invent our source material. "It will take an in-depth, and often whimsical, look at how the quote-falsifying mind works, as well as the sociological conditions that allow such a mind to produce fraudulent work at a very fast pace," said Lehrer, adding that the book would also explore how the human mind, historically, has been able to use invented sources to support vague or fundamentally unsound pop science theories. "What I hope to convey is the notion that, far from being anomalous, utterly horseshit fabricated quotes are, in a sense, constantly hovering around us in the cultural ether, waiting for a certain mind to take hold of them. In that sense they are fundamental to human creativity." Lehrer confirmed the book would contain more than 8,000 citations from sources in the fields of science, medicine, sports, entertainment, politics, and literature.

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