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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Jonah Lehrer Working On Book About Neuroscience Behind Why We Falsify Quotes

NEW YORK—Following his admission this week that he fabricated quotes he attributes to Bob Dylan in his nonfiction bestseller Imagine, disgraced former New Yorker staff writer Jonah Lehrer announced he had begun work on a new book detailing the unseen neurological factors and genetic patterns behind why we completely invent our source material. "It will take an in-depth, and often whimsical, look at how the quote-falsifying mind works, as well as the sociological conditions that allow such a mind to produce fraudulent work at a very fast pace," said Lehrer, adding that the book would also explore how the human mind, historically, has been able to use invented sources to support vague or fundamentally unsound pop science theories. "What I hope to convey is the notion that, far from being anomalous, utterly horseshit fabricated quotes are, in a sense, constantly hovering around us in the cultural ether, waiting for a certain mind to take hold of them. In that sense they are fundamental to human creativity." Lehrer confirmed the book would contain more than 8,000 citations from sources in the fields of science, medicine, sports, entertainment, politics, and literature.

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