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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.
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Jordyn Wieber

Gymnastics — DeWitt, Michigan

Strengths: Pretending to smile

Celebration: Weeping into hands

Flaws: Often penalized for 6-foot-8-inch frame

London Sight She’s Most Excited To See: Big clock thing

Background: Hails from Michigan, home of our nation’s naturally occurring parallel bars

NEXT: Ryan Lochte

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