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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Jordyn Wieber

Gymnastics — DeWitt, Michigan

Strengths: Pretending to smile

Celebration: Weeping into hands

Flaws: Often penalized for 6-foot-8-inch frame

London Sight She’s Most Excited To See: Big clock thing

Background: Hails from Michigan, home of our nation’s naturally occurring parallel bars

NEXT: Ryan Lochte

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