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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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Jorge Posada's New Children's Book A Thinly Veiled Attack On Yankee Management

NEW YORK—Members of the New York Yankee organization's literary-review board are calling Play Ball!, the newly released semi-autobiographical children's book authored by catcher Jorge Posada, a "heartwarming tale about learning the game and making new friends" and "a means used by the writer in a blatant attempt to further his anti-Yankee-management agenda." "Passages like the one on page six, in which young Jorge's Little League coach 'Mr. Joe' starts batting Jorge lower and lower in the lineup just because his knees have been bothering him, and the character's accusations on page eight that 'Mr. Joe is just playing favorites with his son D.J. and the new kid from Arizona who doesn't like playing catch with me' seem to reveal a feeling of discontent that would probably be better dealt with by speaking to Yankee staff and personnel in person," said board director Lee Mazzilli. "Particularly troubling and transparent is page 12, where the team's sponsor, a shipbuilding-company owner referred to only as 'The Big Boss,' refuses to pay Jorge millions of dollars to stay on the team 'when it comes time for him to leave.'" Posada would not comment on the implications of the story's conclusion, in which young Jorge asks his parents to move "so [he] can play baseball with the kids across town."

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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