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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Jose Canseco Composes Opera About Steroids

NEW YORK—Just days after the publication of Vindicated, his second book concerning the use of steroids in professional baseball, former steroid-using baseball player and current steroid-awareness advocate Jose Canseco has debuted La Anabolica, an opera concerning the use of steroids in professional baseball. "I've done books, interviews, public speaking appearances, improv, and theater-in-the-round on the theme of steroids, and I was looking for something fresh and new, " Canseco said from the stage of the Met. "I think my libretto—especially the climactic scene in which fair Don Giambi is tempted to use the magic golden steroids to defeat evil knights Die Rosensox and their enchanted beast Il Monsto Verde—is exactly what is needed to bring the message of steroids in baseball to a new audience." Critics have not been kind to La Anabolica, noting that "the lyrics mostly consist of the word 'steroids' chanted over and over" and that "the ending, which occurs as a steroid-enhanced fat lady sings, is doubly and almost impossibly clichéd."

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