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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

Report: Saxophone Still An Okay Vehicle For Self-Expression

While declaring that the musical instrument was by no means ideally suited to the task, a report released by the National Endowment for the Arts Thursday concluded that the saxophone nevertheless remains a fairly decent vehicle for expressing one’s ...

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Jose Canseco Names 10,000 Baseball Players

WASHINGTON, DC—While speaking to reporters Tuesday, Jose Canseco released the names of 10,000 current and former baseball players whom he alleges have taken part in the sport at some point during their lives. "Tim Teufel, Jim Abbot, Henry 'Hank' Aaron, Sid Fernandez, Mike Piazza, Graig Nettles, Ken Griffey Jr., Ken Griffey Sr., Chris Sabo, Dave Valle, Erubiel Durazo, Pat Listach, Carney Lansford, Terry Steinbach, Gary Gaetti," said Canseco at one point during his 14-hour statement. "Eddie Murray, Eddie Matthews, Eddie Guardado, while we're on Eddies, there's Eddie Cicotte… Um, Babe Ruth obviously, Jay Gibbons, Henry Blanco, Ralph Kiner, Darren Daulton, me, Cap Anson, Willie Bloomquist, Henry Rodriguez..." Canseco added that, if necessary, he can name thousands of other players, as long as he is granted access to official Hall Of Fame records or the 2006 edition of the Baseball Encyclopedia.

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