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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.
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Jose Canseco Names 10,000 Baseball Players

WASHINGTON, DC—While speaking to reporters Tuesday, Jose Canseco released the names of 10,000 current and former baseball players whom he alleges have taken part in the sport at some point during their lives. "Tim Teufel, Jim Abbot, Henry 'Hank' Aaron, Sid Fernandez, Mike Piazza, Graig Nettles, Ken Griffey Jr., Ken Griffey Sr., Chris Sabo, Dave Valle, Erubiel Durazo, Pat Listach, Carney Lansford, Terry Steinbach, Gary Gaetti," said Canseco at one point during his 14-hour statement. "Eddie Murray, Eddie Matthews, Eddie Guardado, while we're on Eddies, there's Eddie Cicotte… Um, Babe Ruth obviously, Jay Gibbons, Henry Blanco, Ralph Kiner, Darren Daulton, me, Cap Anson, Willie Bloomquist, Henry Rodriguez..." Canseco added that, if necessary, he can name thousands of other players, as long as he is granted access to official Hall Of Fame records or the 2006 edition of the Baseball Encyclopedia.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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