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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Josh Freeman Takes On Leadership Role To Help Vikings Find Franchise Quarterback

MINNEAPOLIS—Having just signed the former Buccaneers quarterback at the beginning of October, Vikings head coach Leslie Frazier told reporters Thursday that Josh Freeman has already stepped up as a prominent leader in the team’s search for a franchise quarterback. “Josh has really impressed us with his hard work scouting quarterbacks who could be the face of the franchise for the foreseeable future,” said Frazier, adding that the 25-year-old is always the first to arrive at the team’s practice facility every morning to interview overlooked free agents and often watches game tape of college prospects into the late hours of the night. “We don’t even have to tell him what to do—Josh just instinctively knows where to find all the stats on up-and-coming college quarterbacks around the country and takes it upon himself to identify guys who could potentially lead our offense. He already found a couple of very promising players whom we’re definitely going to pursue in this year’s draft.” An anonymous team source later told reporters that Freeman is also doing “an excellent job” helping the Vikings find a suitable new head coach.

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