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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Josh Freeman Takes On Leadership Role To Help Vikings Find Franchise Quarterback

MINNEAPOLIS—Having just signed the former Buccaneers quarterback at the beginning of October, Vikings head coach Leslie Frazier told reporters Thursday that Josh Freeman has already stepped up as a prominent leader in the team’s search for a franchise quarterback. “Josh has really impressed us with his hard work scouting quarterbacks who could be the face of the franchise for the foreseeable future,” said Frazier, adding that the 25-year-old is always the first to arrive at the team’s practice facility every morning to interview overlooked free agents and often watches game tape of college prospects into the late hours of the night. “We don’t even have to tell him what to do—Josh just instinctively knows where to find all the stats on up-and-coming college quarterbacks around the country and takes it upon himself to identify guys who could potentially lead our offense. He already found a couple of very promising players whom we’re definitely going to pursue in this year’s draft.” An anonymous team source later told reporters that Freeman is also doing “an excellent job” helping the Vikings find a suitable new head coach.

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