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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Josh Hamilton Apologizes For Not Calling Sports Media Immediately After Relapse

'I Let A Lot Of Nationally Syndicated Columnists Down,' Says Slugger

DALLAS—Texas Rangers All-Star outfielder and former alcoholic Josh Hamilton held a press conference Friday to issue an apology to the mainstream sports media for not immediately thinking of them after suffering a relapse last week. "After this happened, I selfishly put myself and my family first, when in reality I owe you guys more than that," said Hamilton, gesturing to the horde of reporters who quickly began peppering him with an onslaught of personal questions. "The media has always been supportive and understanding with me, and all athletes for that matter, when dealing with sensitive issues like these. And to ESPN, especially, I'd like to say I know all you want is for me to get better, so to you, I am most sorry of all." Hamilton concluded the press conference by detailing when and where he would be seeking treatment, and requesting as much public exposure as possible during this trying time.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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