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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Josh Hamilton Apologizes For Not Calling Sports Media Immediately After Relapse

'I Let A Lot Of Nationally Syndicated Columnists Down,' Says Slugger

DALLAS—Texas Rangers All-Star outfielder and former alcoholic Josh Hamilton held a press conference Friday to issue an apology to the mainstream sports media for not immediately thinking of them after suffering a relapse last week. "After this happened, I selfishly put myself and my family first, when in reality I owe you guys more than that," said Hamilton, gesturing to the horde of reporters who quickly began peppering him with an onslaught of personal questions. "The media has always been supportive and understanding with me, and all athletes for that matter, when dealing with sensitive issues like these. And to ESPN, especially, I'd like to say I know all you want is for me to get better, so to you, I am most sorry of all." Hamilton concluded the press conference by detailing when and where he would be seeking treatment, and requesting as much public exposure as possible during this trying time.

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