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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Josh Hamilton Apologizes For Not Calling Sports Media Immediately After Relapse

'I Let A Lot Of Nationally Syndicated Columnists Down,' Says Slugger

DALLAS—Texas Rangers All-Star outfielder and former alcoholic Josh Hamilton held a press conference Friday to issue an apology to the mainstream sports media for not immediately thinking of them after suffering a relapse last week. "After this happened, I selfishly put myself and my family first, when in reality I owe you guys more than that," said Hamilton, gesturing to the horde of reporters who quickly began peppering him with an onslaught of personal questions. "The media has always been supportive and understanding with me, and all athletes for that matter, when dealing with sensitive issues like these. And to ESPN, especially, I'd like to say I know all you want is for me to get better, so to you, I am most sorry of all." Hamilton concluded the press conference by detailing when and where he would be seeking treatment, and requesting as much public exposure as possible during this trying time.

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