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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Josh Hamilton Relieved He Made It Through Entire Season Without Killing A Fan

ARLINGTON, TX—Despite a wild-card loss to the Orioles that officially ended the Rangers season last week, outfielder Josh Hamilton told reporters Friday that he personally considered the season an immense success considering he made it through 163 games without killing a fan. “There’s a part of me that’s relieved we lost, because I was starting to feel like I was due,” said Hamilton, adding that he had a couple close calls this year, including a hard-hit foul ball in August and nearly backing over a stroller with his car after a game in June. “They say you just need to put it out of your head, but when you accidentally kill a father at a game with his son, how can you come up to bat without thinking, ‘Here we go again’? Even my home runs had me holding my breath until I saw them safely land without any bloodshed.” The five-time All Star, who enters free agency this offseason, said his top priorities are a long-term contract and playing for a team that has at least 4-and-a-half foot tall railings surrounding the entire upper deck.

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