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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Josh Hamilton Relieved He Made It Through Entire Season Without Killing A Fan

ARLINGTON, TX—Despite a wild-card loss to the Orioles that officially ended the Rangers season last week, outfielder Josh Hamilton told reporters Friday that he personally considered the season an immense success considering he made it through 163 games without killing a fan. “There’s a part of me that’s relieved we lost, because I was starting to feel like I was due,” said Hamilton, adding that he had a couple close calls this year, including a hard-hit foul ball in August and nearly backing over a stroller with his car after a game in June. “They say you just need to put it out of your head, but when you accidentally kill a father at a game with his son, how can you come up to bat without thinking, ‘Here we go again’? Even my home runs had me holding my breath until I saw them safely land without any bloodshed.” The five-time All Star, who enters free agency this offseason, said his top priorities are a long-term contract and playing for a team that has at least 4-and-a-half foot tall railings surrounding the entire upper deck.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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