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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Josh McDaniels Checks NFL.com To See What Other Teams Are In The League

ENGLEWOOD, CO—First-year coach Josh McDaniels took some time out from training camp to familiarize himself with the Broncos' competition Tuesday, spending the afternoon on the league's official website to see what other teams were members of the National Football League. "There are way more than I thought there'd be," said McDaniels, who was "shocked" to learn that franchises calling themselves the Kansas City Chiefs, Oakland Raiders, and San Diego Chargers were not only in the NFL, but were actually in the same "division" as the Broncos. "I'd heard of the Steelers, obviously, but other than that, I thought it was just us and the Chiefs. Ooh, here's one called 'the Titans!'" When informed that there was an entirely separate conference called the NFC, McDaniels told reporters in the room to "get out of town."

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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