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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Josh Smith Claims He Once Saw Hawk Carry Away Basketball In Talons

ATLANTA—Hawks forward Josh Smith regaled his teammates Wednesday with a story about how he once watched a red-tailed hawk swoop down, grab a loose basketball in its razor sharp talons, and fly away. "It was crazy, because the ball was rolling across the court really fast, and then I heard this loud screeching sound and all of a sudden this hawk dives down and snatches it up before it goes out of bounds," said Smith, adding that hawks build nests in the rafters of every NBA arena. "And then it flew off to the upper deck, where it landed by some empty seats and started tearing apart the basketball with its beak." Smith told his teammates that if they look closely at the court after each NBA game, they should be able to see hawk droppings containing undigested pieces of basketball.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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