adBlockCheck

Jovial Man Must Not Be Aware He Works At Airport Burrito Restaurant

Top Headlines

Local

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Grandmother Doesn’t Care For New Priest

SPENCERPORT, NY—Voicing criticism of the man’s general demeanor and the hurried pace of his masses, local grandmother and St. Rafael Catholic Church parishioner Patricia Trudel, 72, told reporters Friday she doesn’t care much for the congregation’s new priest.

Mom Brings Home Little Plaque That Says ‘Family’

GAITHERSBURG, MD—Describing how she hung the newly purchased decoration on the living room wall immediately upon returning, sources confirmed Tuesday that area mom Patricia Matheson had brought home a little wooden plaque that says “Family.”

Mentally Unbalanced Man Still Waiting For The Right Trump Comment To Incite Him

HARRISBURG, PA—Explaining that the candidate’s recent inflammatory statements had further stoked his uncontrollable fury but hadn’t quite pushed him over the edge, local resident and mentally unhinged man Peter Scheft told reporters Friday he is still waiting for the exact right comment from Trump that will incite him to action.

No One Really Knows What Dad Was Doing From 1985 To 1988

BOSTON—Unable to recall a single instance in which their father mentioned any details about his early adulthood, the children of local man Alan Murphy confirmed Monday they had no idea what he was doing between the years of 1985 and 1988.

Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb

APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

Only News Source Man Trusts Has Logo Of Eyeball In Crosshairs

FULLERTON, CA—Noting that he relies upon the website every day to keep himself apprised of important national and global events, sources confirmed Thursday that the only news outlet local man Andrew Howland trusts uses an image of an eyeball in crosshairs as its logo.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Jovial Man Must Not Be Aware He Works At Airport Burrito Restaurant

Sources are wondering if this man is actually smiling. Christ, he is.
Sources are wondering if this man is actually smiling. Christ, he is.

DENVER—According to bewildered sources near gate B52 at Denver International Airport, the man cheerfully and energetically going about his tasks behind the counter of the Burrito Beach Mexican Grille must not be aware that he works at an airport burrito restaurant.

"Hi, there! Where you folks headed today?" said the jovial man, who, judging by his upbeat attitude and easy-going manner, has no idea that he is an adult human being making $7.64 an hour to serve a never-ending stream of agitated, ungrateful customers. "Orlando? I love Orlando!"

"You folks are going to have an absolute blast," the man continued over the screams of crying children and the intermittent drone of flight announcements, apparently forgetting that he wakes up at 5:30 a.m. and spends his entire shift interacting solely with people who want nothing more than to get food from him as fast as possible so they can be on their way. "Say hi to the dolphins for me!"

Travelers departing from terminal B this morning confirmed the man currently singing along to the horrendous soundtrack of top 40 hits assaulting the restaurant's loudspeakers has been observed chatting amiably and cracking jokes, as if his job didn't involve wrapping burrito after burrito for impatient customers who do not enjoy the food's taste and frequently complain about its price.

In addition, the man who spends 50 minutes every single morning finding a parking spot and then going through airport security before he can even clock-in for his mind-numbingly bleak job has reportedly requested high-fives from a number of children.

"More pico?" the man has been overheard to inquire throughout the day, in a tone indicating he is unmoved, unconcerned, or incognizant of the fact that he receives less than $2 in tips over an eight-hour period. "You want guacamole? Sour cream?"

"Tell you what: I'll throw in some hot sauce just in case," he has added with an encouraging nod, as though the restaurant's patrons have the slightest appreciation for his extra effort or care about anything other than grabbing their burrito and getting away from the atmosphere of buzzing fluorescent lights and chemical food smells in which he spends every moment of his working life.

Noting the man's habit of enthusiastically drumming on the countertops and neatly arranging the napkins and utensils on each customer's tray, several travelers speculated the man might suffer from a personality disorder that prevents him from noticing he's 15 years older than all his colleagues and passes his days more-or-less standing in a single spot with no view beyond the closed-down Panda Express nearby.

Moreover, observers expressed particular astonishment that the man had not once produced a long sigh, weary look, or downtrodden gesture of any kind, not even while wiping refried beans off the collar of the lime-green-and-red shirt he is required to wear every day.

"I really don't understand why he's smiling," said United Airlines passenger Alex Rosenberg, who claimed he heard the jovial man say the words "Hey, I like your style!" to a customer ahead of him in line. "Is he somehow under the impression that he doesn't work here?"

"It doesn't make sense," Rosenberg continued. "Every day the guy has to haul himself in here and do the same thing over and over again. He does know that, right?"

At press time, the man had reportedly waved goodbye to his coworkers, swiftly cleaned the countertops, and locked up the restaurant.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close