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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Juan Pierre's 72-Game Hitting Streak Lost Amid Recent Flurry Of Baseball Milestones

LOS ANGELES—In a weekend that saw Alex Rodriguez hit his 500th home run, Tom Glavine notch his 300th win, and Barry Bonds tie Hank Aaron's career mark of 755 homers, one small but notable accomplishment was overlooked: Dodgers centerfielder Juan Pierre collected a base hit in his 72nd consecutive game, quietly shattering the previous record of 56 games held by Joe DiMaggio. "Huh," ESPN analyst Buster Olney said of Pierre's consistent barrage of at least one hit per game for a span of nearly three months, dating all the way back to May 18 and raising Pierre's average from .265 to .423. "How do you like that?" Reporters were unable to contact Pierre before press time, as they are waiting to see if Bonds will hit No. 756 off Nationals starter Mike Bacsik, who is seeking his fourth consecutive perfect game.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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