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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Jubilant 7-Year-Old Fan Of Arizona Cardinals Doesn’t Even See It Coming

TEMPE, AZ—Excited by Arizona’s surprising 2-0 record and expressing confidence that the Cardinals will have “the best season ever,” 7-year-old Jonathan Burley appeared completely oblivious Saturday to the inevitable agony and disappointment he will soon face as a fan of the team. “We’re going to win the Super Bowl this year!” said Burley, apparently unaware that the Cardinals will, at best, have a 3-6 record heading into their bye week after losing several close games through last-minute turnovers, avoidable penalties, and botched clock management. “Kevin Kolb is the best quarterback, and Larry Fitzgerald runs so fast. They’re going to score a million touchdowns tomorrow!” At press time, Burley was trying on his new Beanie Wells jersey, failing to realize that the running back will tear an ACL during Sunday’s game against the Eagles and finish the season on injured reserve.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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