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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Jubilant 7-Year-Old Fan Of Arizona Cardinals Doesn’t Even See It Coming

TEMPE, AZ—Excited by Arizona’s surprising 2-0 record and expressing confidence that the Cardinals will have “the best season ever,” 7-year-old Jonathan Burley appeared completely oblivious Saturday to the inevitable agony and disappointment he will soon face as a fan of the team. “We’re going to win the Super Bowl this year!” said Burley, apparently unaware that the Cardinals will, at best, have a 3-6 record heading into their bye week after losing several close games through last-minute turnovers, avoidable penalties, and botched clock management. “Kevin Kolb is the best quarterback, and Larry Fitzgerald runs so fast. They’re going to score a million touchdowns tomorrow!” At press time, Burley was trying on his new Beanie Wells jersey, failing to realize that the running back will tear an ACL during Sunday’s game against the Eagles and finish the season on injured reserve.

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