Jude Law's First 100 Days As People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive

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Woman Dozing At Coffee Shop Has That Dave Eggers Sex Dream Again

IOWA CITY, IA—Freshly jolted awake from a peach-tea-induced nap, Sumatra Café patron Laurie Dubar said she had that same sex dream about bestselling author Dave Eggers. "I'm lying on the couch naked, and Dave is next to me, also naked, reading Salon on his laptop," said Dubar, a 34-year-old Iowa Writers' Workshop instructor. "Suddenly, he turns to me and says, 'Could you help me edit a collection of short fiction?' and I can't control myself any longer." Dubar said she always wakes up just as Sarah Vowell walks in wearing a kimono.

Local Man Gets Cocky With Ladder

GUNNISON, UT—Three days into painting his house, Donald Simonds has gotten arrogant with his 12-foot aluminum ladder. "When he started his project, he'd step up the rungs real gingerly, bracing himself with his hands all the way," neighbor Earl Pickett said. "Now, three days later, he's climbing up the wrong end, carrying three paint cans at once, standing on the top step of the thing. I even saw him steady himself by putting one foot on a windowsill." Pickett said he just hopes Simonds' smug way with his ladder doesn't get him hurt.

Lure Of Free Meal Each Shift Too Great For Disgruntled Arby's Employee

WEST WENDOVER, NV—Although he hates working at Arby's "more than anything," prep cook Taylor Ochtrup, 17, told reporters Monday that he would quit if it weren't for the $6 meal allowance that he earns for every shift of four hours or more. "The hours suck, I always work weekends, and the manager is a dick, but hey, free Super Roast Beef," Ochtrup said. "And, if I work until closing, I get to take home any extra Curly Fries." Although he has no health insurance, Ochtrup said his kitchen drawers are "chock-full of Horsey Sauce."

Sharper Image Vows 'We Will Be Undersold'

SAN FRANCISCO—In a battle cry to consumers of trendy specialty gadgets, Sharper Image CEO Richard Thalheimer said Monday that the high-end retailer "will be undersold" by the competition. "Show us a foot massager that retails for $40 at Target and we'll sell it to you for $90—because that's how we do business," Thalheimer said. "Heck, regular stores don't even carry our virtually useless $299 ionic air purifier." In response, Hammacher Schlemmer issued a challenge to "exceed Sharper Image's price or double the item's cost."

Bush Determined To Find Warehouse Where Ark Of Covenant Is Stored

WASHINGTON, DC—In a surprise press conference Monday, President Bush said he will not rest until the warehouse where the Ark of the Covenant, the vessel holding the original Ten Commandments, is located. "Nazis stole the Ark in 1936, but it was recovered by a single patriot, who braved gunfire, rolling boulders, and venomous snakes," Bush said, addressing the White House press corps. "Sadly, due to bureaucratic rigmarole, this powerful, historic relic was misplaced in a warehouse. Mark my words: We will find that warehouse." Bush added that, after they are strengthened by the power of the Ark, U.S. forces will seek out and destroy the sinister Temple of Doom.

Oscar Host Chris Rock

Chris Rock will host this year's Academy Awards. What suggestions did event organizers have for the comedian?
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Jude Law's First 100 Days As People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive

HOLLYWOOD—All eyes are squarely fixed on Jude Law as he comes to the 100-day mark in his tenure as People magazine's Sexiest Man Alive 2004.

"You can't overstate the importance of the Sexiest Man Alive's first 100 days," said Veronica Giulletti, associate editor of People. "They set the tone for his entire term. The whole world is looking at him to see what is sexy."

In November, Law emerged as the new sexiest man alive, after a fiercely contested, sexy race that pitted him against such hunks as Orlando Bloom, Colin Farrell, and two-time winner Brad Pitt.

"Law's ascension was not a mandate, remember," Giulletti said. "The Sexiest Man Alive issue featured a complete list of heart-stoppers who ranged in age from 22 to 58. It included 34 actors, 10 singers, a baseball player, and a poker champ. If Law ever starts to rest on his laurels, he need only open his copy of the Nov. 17, 2004 issue. That photo spread is a stark, sexy reminder of the challenges the Sexiest Man Alive faces."

According to Giulletti, the Sexiest Man Alive receives the most media attention at the very beginning of his term. While some sexy men use the news coverage as an opportunity to introduce radical changes to their looks, Giulletti said that Law chose to stay the course.

"Jude came into office with a big, sexy plan in place," Giulletti said. "He'd spent years tweaking and refining his dapper image, so it was wise that he chose to stick with it."

Throughout his first 100 days, Law earned public-approval ratings ranging from the high 60s to the low 80s.

"While Jude's look is too conservative for some tastes, no one can deny that he conveys a strong, focused, well-honed sexiness," Giulletti said. "He has gorgeous cheekbones, sensual lips, and lovely blue eyes. His frame, while not Russell Crowe studly, certainly isn't too twee either."

Law signs autographs for the public.

Entertainment-industry pundits have lauded Law for his savvy campaign to distinguish himself from his predecessor, 2003's Sexiest Man Alive Johnny Depp.

"Johnny was sexy," entertainment writer Cami Stoeffer said. "That said, many People readers were disappointed by his administration. They felt the energy he expended overseas was in excess. Some took all that jet-setting as an indication that Johnny didn't care about making America a sexier place."

In contrast to Depp, Law introduced a "sexy by example" style of leadership, aggressively undertaking a highly publicized campaign advocating short-cropped hairstyles for men.

"Sexy-people-watchers advocate Jude's aggressive stance on haircuts," Stoeffer said. "It's a traditional platform, but Law has done well with his campaign to present a carefully styled, finished look. In fact, in a recent phone poll, 82 percent of women ages 18-34 agreed that Law is a total fox."

Nonetheless, critics are quick to point out Law's missteps.

Nelson Garcia, writer for the National Enquirer, said Law's first 100 days have been "a fiasco."

"From his overly gelled hair on the set of his forthcoming film All The King's Men to his hosting of Saturday Night Live on the night of Ashlee Simpson's lip-synching debacle, Jude Law has been an embarrassment to the entertainment world," Garcia said. "And let's not forget his visit to the Los Angeles Children's Hospital. It was a great chance to raise pulses nationwide by showing up in a well-worn sleeveless T-shirt and gym shoes. Instead, he looked like a dandy out on the court. Now, Matt Damon—there's a guy who could look good playing basketball with below-average-looking kids."

Mel Gibson, who was named People's first Sexiest Man Alive in 1985, urged the public to support Law.

"Jude has some challenges ahead of him, but I support him completely," Gibson said. "The Sexiest Man Alive is only human. It's not fair to attack him every time he looks tired or is seen in a club that isn't hip. Jude deserves a chance to show us what he's got—both in his riveting dramatic roles and in photos of him with his shirt off."

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