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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Judge Awards Heather Mills Writing Credit On 'Eleanor Rigby'

LONDON—In addition to the $48.6 million in child support recently awarded Sir Paul McCartney's estranged wife, Heather Mills, the 40-year-old activist announced Tuesday that she has successfully sued the legendary former Beatle for a writing credit on the classic 1966 song "Eleanor Rigby." "After being married to Paul for six long years, I have as much of a claim to that song as he does," Mills said of the pop masterpiece penned two years before her birth, which will henceforth be credited to "Mills-McCartney-Lennon." "But I'm not going to back down until I get everything I deserve, and that includes recognition for the guitar solo on 'While My Guitar Gently Weeps.'" A spokesperson for Mills said that the former glamour model will seek further damages in the form of having herself Photoshopped into all existing images of the iconic 1969 Abbey Road album cover.

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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

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