Juicer Infomercial Sweeps Early Morning Emmys

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Jack In The Box

Everyone In Coffee Shop Can Tell Trainee A Goner

KIRKLAND, WA—Shaking their heads as they watched the man struggle to make correct change and overheard him botch back-to-back orders, every customer at local coffee shop The Daily Bean confided to reporters Friday they could tell the store’s newest trainee was a definite goner.

Area Dad Stares Longingly At Covered Grill In Backyard

‘I Haven’t Forgotten You,’ Father Softly Whispers

EUCLID, OH—Placing his right palm against the glass of the sliding back door as he softly whispered reassurances to the device, local father Paul Chesney, 48, spent nearly an hour Tuesday gazing longingly at the covered grill in his backyard, family sources reported.

Grin Slowly Spreads Across Mom’s Face As Meal Revealed To Contain Healthy Ingredients

‘The Mashed Potatoes Are Actually Made With Cauliflower,’ She Announces

VERONA, WI—Having waited until everyone at the table had finished their dinner Monday, a knowing grin reportedly spread across local mother Angela Hopkins’ face as she announced to her family that the mashed potatoes had in fact been made using cauliflower as a healthier alternative.

Tips For Handling A Picky Eater

Having a child who refuses to eat most foods can be both frustrating and alarming for parents, but there are ways to work through this phase as a family. Here are The Onion’s tips for handling a picky eater

GMOs: Myth vs. Fact

Consumers have consistently distrusted the use of genetically modified organisms in their food, believing that they make food unsafe for consumption, although a majority of scientific evidence contradicts these views. Here are the common myths associated with GMOs and the facts that refute them

Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Café Adds Heartbreaking Little Lunch Menu

EUGENE, OR—Noting the new food items in a small boxed-off corner of the overhead chalkboard, patrons at local coffee shop Fairmount Java told reporters Monday that the café had apparently added a heartbreaking little lunch menu.

How Michelin Rates Restaurants

For decades, the French company Michelin has published a restaurant guide that rates restaurants on a scale of one to three stars, giving them a coveted Michelin star status.

People Apparently Been Using Rest Stop Barbecue Pit

GREENVILLE, SC—Scrutinizing the ashes of charcoal briquettes inside the weathered firebox, motorist Matt Palmeri reportedly deduced Thursday that people traveling southbound along Interstate 85 have apparently been using the rest stop’s barbec...

Man Who Stopped Dieting Already Seeing Results

MIDDLETOWN, KY—Noting that his new look had really turned heads among friends and family, local man Steven Jensen told reporters Wednesday that he had recently stopped dieting and had already started to see results.

Fast Food Customers Less Appealing Than In Commercial

GREENVILLE, SC—Expressing his disappointment shortly after sitting down for lunch at a local franchise location Wednesday, area man Peter Strauss told reporters that the customers at Burger King were actually far less appealing in real life than the...

Restaurant Gives Totally Unwanted Twist To Mexican Cuisine

BERKELEY, CA—Claiming that the eatery was already generating a buzz among locals with its “East Meets Mex” flavors, owners of the Bento Burrito location on Shattuck Avenue explained to reporters Tuesday how their new restaurant offers a ...

Scout Returns With News Of Quicker Checkout Line To The East

SALINAS, CA—After venturing forth into the vast, unexplored territory beyond the battery display, a scout is said to have returned from the farthest reaches of the Safeway cashier lanes with word of a quicker checkout line to the east, sources confi...

Cake Left Out In Break Room With No Instructions

MINNEAPOLIS—Leaving dozens of workers unsure as to whether they were permitted to consume the enticing dessert, sources at the offices of Highwood Insurance told reporters Wednesday that a cake had been left out in the break room without any instruc...

Local Oaf Not Sure What Part Of Counter You Order At

FAYETTEVILLE, NC—Appearing visibly confused as he scanned back and forth from one side of the establishment to the other, a local oaf was reportedly unsure which part of the Hilltop Deli counter he was supposed to place his order at Tuesday.

Lunch Barely Misses Area Man’s Vital Organs

CHICAGO—In what doctors are calling nothing short of a miracle, local man Jared Fox narrowly averted catastrophe Wednesday when the bacon cheeseburger he ate for lunch managed to pass through his body without hitting any life-sustaining organs.

Middle-Aged Man Having Best Snacks Of His Life

MORTON, MN—Marveling at the increases in both quality and satisfaction that have come with decades of experience, local 51-year-old Doug Kearns told reporters Tuesday that he has lately been having the best snacks of his life.

The Pros And Cons Of Going Vegetarian

While the vast majority of Americans are meat eaters, USDA statistics show that a growing number of Americans are becoming vegetarians and vegans to adopt healthier diets, ensure food safety, and practice ethical eating habits.
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Jack In The Box

Juicer Infomercial Sweeps Early Morning Emmys

LOS ANGELES—Expectations were running high for Jack LaLanne's Power Juicer going into the 2008 Early Morning Emmys, the annual award ceremony honoring television's finest programming between the hours of 3 a.m. and 6 a.m., but no one expected it to be so dominant. When the night was over, the paid program had netted itself a record 10 awards.

LaLanne's Juicer has set the bar for graveyard-slot programming.

The 15-minute juicer infomercial won every category in which it was nominated, taking home the gold-colored plastic trophies for Best Program, Best Infomercial, Best Writing, Best Casting For An Infomercial Or Televangelism Program, Most Economical Sound Editing, Most Kitchen Appliances Replaced By One Product, Most Special Offer, Most Convincing Testimonials, and Most Enthusiastic Announcer, as well as a Best Endorser win for LaLanne, his fifth.

The night marked the first-ever win for the spot, which began airing in 2003 but had never previously been nominated.

"This is the kind of special evening that makes a career in As-Seen-On-TV products worthwhile," said Keith Mirchandani, CEO of Tristar Products, the company that manufactures the juicer. "But truly, it was an honor just to be nominated alongside the Total Gym."

Mirchandani then graciously thanked the Academy of Early Morning Television by eliminating one payment and throwing in a recipe guide absolutely free.

For his win, LaLanne, 93, was provided a set of Ginsu knives and a six-pound tub of OxiClean.

The 14th Annual Early Morning Emmy Awards kicked off at 2 p.m. Monday in their most luxurious fashion ever. The ceremony was held in the beautiful Auxiliary Ballroom C of the Marriott LAX, located right in the heart of the area surrounding Los Angeles International Airport. VIP guests dined on beef jerky, dehydrated pineapple, and juicy, no-fuss rotisserie chicken catered by Ron Popeil and company. The filmed event was broadcast at 1 a.m. on the ION television network, formerly known as PAX TV.

"This is early morning TV's biggest afternoon," said the event's celebrity host, Donny Osmond, during his introduction. "The stars have all come out in their Bedazzled finest to celebrate this year's most exceptional work in informational product-driven features and syndicated entertainment."

"I just saw Tom Bosley at the buffet," Osmond added. "He must be excited about his chances for a Best Actor win. I thought his work on the Season 2 reruns of Murder, She Wrote was outstanding again this year."

In perhaps the ceremony's most poignant moment, a tearful Kevin Trudeau, fresh from losing another Federal Trade Commission lawsuit, accepted a lifetime achievement award and announced the release of his new book, The Speed Reading Secrets "They" Don't Want You To Know About.

The juicer's multiple wins were especially surprising considering that previous juicer nominees, including the Jack LaLanne– endorsed Juice Tiger in 1993, had all been snubbed. Many critics had said it was impossible for a juicer to win in the top categories, especially when competing against acne cream and fitness equipment infomercials, which are often viewed as more serious works.

Though Jack LaLanne's Power Juicer made winning look easy as the afternoon went on, the infomercial faced stiff competition in nearly every category. Many thought the Magic Bullet To Go infomercial, which saw the return of all the stars from the original critically acclaimed Early Morning Emmy–winning Magic Bullet infomercial, would take home wins in a category or two. But the portable Bullet only managed to walk away with one statue for Best Vaguely British Or Australian Accent.

Also nominated against the juicer were the Little Giant Ladder, Orange Glo cleaner, the Oreck Air Purifier, Slim 'n Lift, Wizetrade, and the Mr. T–endorsed Flavor Wave Oven.

According to Nielsen Media Research, the broadcast of the star-studded event attracted 25,000 viewers, the same number it draws every year.

"The [Jack LaLanne Juicer ad] is a modern early-morning classic and it deserved to win," said home viewer and insomniac Alex Guerra, who watched the ceremony while pacing back and forth in his den. "LaLanne and his wife give performances you could only see from a Billy Mays or Tony Little in their prime."

"With all the montages and added awards and product demonstrations they did this year, though, it lasted almost six hours," Guerra continued. "Thank God. I thought I would have to watch Weird Science again."

Other notable 2008 winners included Loretta Swit for Best Actress in M*A*S*H; Cocoon for Best Film; Best Television Series Maximum Exposure; Jack Van Impe for Best Televangelist; and, receiving an award for lifetime achievement, the blue color bar used when stations go off air. In what was perhaps the ceremony's most emotional moment, Brandy Norwood of Moesha made history when she became the first non-televangelist African-American to win an Early Morning Emmy.

About a third of all statues were awarded posthumously.

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