Juicer Infomercial Sweeps Early Morning Emmys

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NEW YORK—Immediately halting production on his latest project after hearing of the incredible talent, legendary actor Robert De Niro was reportedly stunned to learn Wednesday that Bayonne, NJ resident Eric Sullivan, 33, can quote the critically acclaimed 1990 Martin Scorsese film Goodfellas at length.

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ARIES: Some things only become funny when you look back on them years later. Conversely, the events of next week will seem funny at the time, but as the years go by, society will gain sensitivity and learn to outgrow that sort of thing.

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ARIES: You will experience unbounded happiness and success in every area of your life this week, unless of course there is something fundamentally and irreversibly wrong with you.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 18, 2015

ARIES: Your feeling of impending doom shall come to nothing again this week as the world continues to turn and your life goes on as normal. Perhaps you should consider feeling useless and stupid instead.

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Leonardo DiCaprio Agrees To Donate It-Factor To Science

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 7, 2014

ARIES: Your belief that nothing can stop you will be tested this week by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dysentery, armed gunmen, and the unanimous passage of several laws targeted specifically at stopping you.

Disney Unveils First Virgin Princess

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 23, 2015

ARIES: The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you’re supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 9, 2015

ARIES: Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 “cross your heart and hope to die” pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben.

New Music Festival Just Large Empty Field To Do Drugs In

Declaring the event a rousing success so far, organizers confirmed more than 45,000 people turned out Wednesday for the first annual Cavalcade Folk and Roots Festival, a four-day gathering that consists solely of a big empty field to do drugs in.

Director Seeking Relatively Unknown Actress For Next Affair

LOS ANGELES—Saying that he’s going for a certain look and will know it when he sees it, feature film director Peter Hastings, 52, confirmed to reporters Wednesday that he hopes to find a relatively unknown actress for his next extramarital affair.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 26, 2015

ARIES: You’re not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity.

Famous Television Finales

The award-winning AMC series Mad Men ended its seven-season run on Sunday night and drew critical acclaim for its final episode, a conclusion that many felt was poignant and satisfying. Here are some other memorable TV finales across the years

Plan For Future Still Involves Drumming For Lifehouse

SOUTH BEND, IN—Fifteen years after first envisioning the path he hoped his professional life would take, local man Brent Gibbs is still planning his future around being the drummer for Los Angeles-based alternative rock band Lifehouse, sources confi...

Fox Revives ‘X-Files’: What To Expect

After months of speculation, Fox has announced that it is bringing back its hit ’90s TV show The X-Files, about a team of FBI special agents investigating unsolved cases about strange and paranormal phenomena, for at least six new episodes...

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 24, 2015

ARIES: Your belief that everything happens for a reason may remain unshaken in the face of personal tragedy, but you'll certainly be upset when you find out the reason is "to get the Zodiac some chicks." 

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 10, 2015

ARIES: As long as people don't look too long and the lights aren't too bright, no one will be able to see where they tried to fix your face from what will happen to it this coming Thursday. 

Nation Delighted As Many Famous People In Same Room Together

HOLLYWOOD—Expressing their immense personal satisfaction at the gathering appearing on their television screens, millions of Americans across the country were reportedly delighted Sunday night upon seeing many famous people in the same room together...

Half Of Hollywood Test Group Screened Placebo Film

LOS ANGELES—Saying the methodology helps them ensure unbiased results in their marketing research, studio executives at Paramount Pictures confirmed that during a Hollywood test screening this week they showed half of all theatergoers a placebo film...
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Special Coverage



Juicer Infomercial Sweeps Early Morning Emmys

LOS ANGELES—Expectations were running high for Jack LaLanne's Power Juicer going into the 2008 Early Morning Emmys, the annual award ceremony honoring television's finest programming between the hours of 3 a.m. and 6 a.m., but no one expected it to be so dominant. When the night was over, the paid program had netted itself a record 10 awards.

LaLanne's Juicer has set the bar for graveyard-slot programming.

The 15-minute juicer infomercial won every category in which it was nominated, taking home the gold-colored plastic trophies for Best Program, Best Infomercial, Best Writing, Best Casting For An Infomercial Or Televangelism Program, Most Economical Sound Editing, Most Kitchen Appliances Replaced By One Product, Most Special Offer, Most Convincing Testimonials, and Most Enthusiastic Announcer, as well as a Best Endorser win for LaLanne, his fifth.

The night marked the first-ever win for the spot, which began airing in 2003 but had never previously been nominated.

"This is the kind of special evening that makes a career in As-Seen-On-TV products worthwhile," said Keith Mirchandani, CEO of Tristar Products, the company that manufactures the juicer. "But truly, it was an honor just to be nominated alongside the Total Gym."

Mirchandani then graciously thanked the Academy of Early Morning Television by eliminating one payment and throwing in a recipe guide absolutely free.

For his win, LaLanne, 93, was provided a set of Ginsu knives and a six-pound tub of OxiClean.

The 14th Annual Early Morning Emmy Awards kicked off at 2 p.m. Monday in their most luxurious fashion ever. The ceremony was held in the beautiful Auxiliary Ballroom C of the Marriott LAX, located right in the heart of the area surrounding Los Angeles International Airport. VIP guests dined on beef jerky, dehydrated pineapple, and juicy, no-fuss rotisserie chicken catered by Ron Popeil and company. The filmed event was broadcast at 1 a.m. on the ION television network, formerly known as PAX TV.

"This is early morning TV's biggest afternoon," said the event's celebrity host, Donny Osmond, during his introduction. "The stars have all come out in their Bedazzled finest to celebrate this year's most exceptional work in informational product-driven features and syndicated entertainment."

"I just saw Tom Bosley at the buffet," Osmond added. "He must be excited about his chances for a Best Actor win. I thought his work on the Season 2 reruns of Murder, She Wrote was outstanding again this year."

In perhaps the ceremony's most poignant moment, a tearful Kevin Trudeau, fresh from losing another Federal Trade Commission lawsuit, accepted a lifetime achievement award and announced the release of his new book, The Speed Reading Secrets "They" Don't Want You To Know About.

The juicer's multiple wins were especially surprising considering that previous juicer nominees, including the Jack LaLanne– endorsed Juice Tiger in 1993, had all been snubbed. Many critics had said it was impossible for a juicer to win in the top categories, especially when competing against acne cream and fitness equipment infomercials, which are often viewed as more serious works.

Though Jack LaLanne's Power Juicer made winning look easy as the afternoon went on, the infomercial faced stiff competition in nearly every category. Many thought the Magic Bullet To Go infomercial, which saw the return of all the stars from the original critically acclaimed Early Morning Emmy–winning Magic Bullet infomercial, would take home wins in a category or two. But the portable Bullet only managed to walk away with one statue for Best Vaguely British Or Australian Accent.

Also nominated against the juicer were the Little Giant Ladder, Orange Glo cleaner, the Oreck Air Purifier, Slim 'n Lift, Wizetrade, and the Mr. T–endorsed Flavor Wave Oven.

According to Nielsen Media Research, the broadcast of the star-studded event attracted 25,000 viewers, the same number it draws every year.

"The [Jack LaLanne Juicer ad] is a modern early-morning classic and it deserved to win," said home viewer and insomniac Alex Guerra, who watched the ceremony while pacing back and forth in his den. "LaLanne and his wife give performances you could only see from a Billy Mays or Tony Little in their prime."

"With all the montages and added awards and product demonstrations they did this year, though, it lasted almost six hours," Guerra continued. "Thank God. I thought I would have to watch Weird Science again."

Other notable 2008 winners included Loretta Swit for Best Actress in M*A*S*H; Cocoon for Best Film; Best Television Series Maximum Exposure; Jack Van Impe for Best Televangelist; and, receiving an award for lifetime achievement, the blue color bar used when stations go off air. In what was perhaps the ceremony's most emotional moment, Brandy Norwood of Moesha made history when she became the first non-televangelist African-American to win an Early Morning Emmy.

About a third of all statues were awarded posthumously.