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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.
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Julian Assange: Nobody Likes A Tattletale

Whistleblower

Although Julian Assange sparked a media firestorm when he revealed thousands of pages of Pentagon reports proving that the U.S. military concealed more than 15,000 civilian deaths in Iraq, that rampant corruption and negligence among private contractors there poses a profound security risk, and that the U.S. State Department continually questions the strength of Russia's democracy, the fact remains that nobody wants to listen to an annoying little tattler.

Numerous sources have confirmed that the 39-year-old founder of  WikiLeaks should just quit worrying about what every world power is up to, and shouldn't go squealing to everyone about how the U.S. thinks the prime minister of Italy is feckless and ineffective. While his parents probably taught him it's impolite to be a sniveling little pip-squeak, Assange still told on America for failing to investigate reports of abuse, rape, and murder by Iraqi police and soldiers, even though it's not his job to be the boss of this country. The whistle-blowing know-it-all is from Australia, so it really has nothing to do with him. Who is he trying to impress, anyway?

Seriously, get a life.

When Assange obtained evidence that an Apache helicopter killed 12 people, including two journalists, during a 2007 air strike in Baghdad, the whiny big mouth repeatedly threatened to tell on the U.S. Army, as if the whole military was going to be in soooo much trouble because of some stupid video footage. And though the Chinese government ordered attacks on American computer networks, it's still none of your beeswax, Julian. You're nothing but a big baby who wants special attention and cries all the time because world leaders call Mahmoud Ahmadinejad "Hitler" in private, but refuse to do so on the record. Boohoo! Don't you have somebody else to irritate? Everybody wants you to go away. And you have a girl's name. Creep.

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