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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Julian Assange: Nobody Likes A Tattletale

Whistleblower

Although Julian Assange sparked a media firestorm when he revealed thousands of pages of Pentagon reports proving that the U.S. military concealed more than 15,000 civilian deaths in Iraq, that rampant corruption and negligence among private contractors there poses a profound security risk, and that the U.S. State Department continually questions the strength of Russia's democracy, the fact remains that nobody wants to listen to an annoying little tattler.

Numerous sources have confirmed that the 39-year-old founder of  WikiLeaks should just quit worrying about what every world power is up to, and shouldn't go squealing to everyone about how the U.S. thinks the prime minister of Italy is feckless and ineffective. While his parents probably taught him it's impolite to be a sniveling little pip-squeak, Assange still told on America for failing to investigate reports of abuse, rape, and murder by Iraqi police and soldiers, even though it's not his job to be the boss of this country. The whistle-blowing know-it-all is from Australia, so it really has nothing to do with him. Who is he trying to impress, anyway?

Seriously, get a life.

When Assange obtained evidence that an Apache helicopter killed 12 people, including two journalists, during a 2007 air strike in Baghdad, the whiny big mouth repeatedly threatened to tell on the U.S. Army, as if the whole military was going to be in soooo much trouble because of some stupid video footage. And though the Chinese government ordered attacks on American computer networks, it's still none of your beeswax, Julian. You're nothing but a big baby who wants special attention and cries all the time because world leaders call Mahmoud Ahmadinejad "Hitler" in private, but refuse to do so on the record. Boohoo! Don't you have somebody else to irritate? Everybody wants you to go away. And you have a girl's name. Creep.

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