June Mademoiselle To Feature Ten Ways To Flatten Your Tummy

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Vol 29 Issue 17

Unabomber Condemned by Willie Tyler, Lester

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In an official ceremony held at the Justice Department Monday, ventriloquist Willie Tyler and his dummy, Lester, strongly condemned Una-bomber suspect Theodore Ka-czynski.The news media, Clinton administration officials, FBI agents and nu...

San Diego Zoo Lays Off 2,000 Animals

SAN DIEGO, CA—Citing “sagging first quarter profits” and disappointing 1995 revenue figures, the San Diego Zoo announced yesterday its decision to lay off nearly 2,000 animals, including all giraffes, vultures, elephants, snakes and a number of rare Siber...

Perky 'Canada' Has Own Government, Laws

It’s Monday morning, and Toronto resident Steve Dorman shares a quick breakfast of “eggs” (a native food) with his “wife” (an officially state-sanctioned mate), and discusses yesterday’s poor showing by the hometown team in “baseball” (a popular local spo...

I'm Never Taking the Bus Again

Hola amigos. What’s goin’ on at your end? It’s been a long time since I’ve rapped at ya’, but I’ve been busier than a horny dog at a leg convention.
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June Mademoiselle To Feature Ten Ways To Flatten Your Tummy

NEW YORK—In a move that will revolutionize the work of dietitians and health scientists worldwide, Mademoiselle editor Vincent D’Meretin revealed plans Monday to publish a long-awaited list of “10 Ways to Flatten Your Tummy” in the June issue of the popular women’s magazine. The list will offer vital, never-before-known diet and exercise advice that could, if followed properly, take inches of unwanted fat off the tummy area. “I eagerly await this information,” San Francisco dietitian Mar-garet Loen said. “As a professional dietitian, I am unaware of any methods to reduce the fat content of the human body over a several-week period.”

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