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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.
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June Mademoiselle To Feature Ten Ways To Flatten Your Tummy

NEW YORK—In a move that will revolutionize the work of dietitians and health scientists worldwide, Mademoiselle editor Vincent D’Meretin revealed plans Monday to publish a long-awaited list of “10 Ways to Flatten Your Tummy” in the June issue of the popular women’s magazine. The list will offer vital, never-before-known diet and exercise advice that could, if followed properly, take inches of unwanted fat off the tummy area. “I eagerly await this information,” San Francisco dietitian Mar-garet Loen said. “As a professional dietitian, I am unaware of any methods to reduce the fat content of the human body over a several-week period.”

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