After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Junior Seau Retires To Spend More Time Tackling His Kids

SAN DIEGO—Chargers linebacker Junior Seau announced Wednesday that he would be retiring from football to spend more time tackling his two young sons Jake and Hunter and daughter Sydney. "Retirement will allow me to combine the joy of watching my children grow up with my passion for solid and aggressive contact," the 37-year-old Seau said in a press conference at Chargers training camp. "I'm really looking forward to wrapping up Sydney as she goes off on her first date, hitting Jake low on his first paper route, and blitzing little Hunter on camping trips." Seau went on to announce the creation of the Junior Seau Familial Recreation Fund, a new charitable foundation through which he will make it possible for his children to fulfill their dreams of roughhousing with a former professional athlete.

After Birth

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