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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Jupiter's Liberals Worried About Their Ammonia Footprint

GREAT RED SPOT, JUPITER—Alarmed by the growing quantities of harmful nitrides in their planet's atmosphere, Jupiter's liberals are encouraging their fellow sentient ammonia-helium tornado beings to take measures to reduce their ammonia footprint. "There are little things all of us can do to minimize our negative impact on our climate," thought-pulsed a spokesman for the progressive advocacy group Jupiter Action Coalition. "Buy your gleemie at a local farmers market, unplug your zorksnax when you're not using them, and remember the three Rs of environmental conservation: ryzzengak, rokklegorkensplark, and recycle." Jovian conservatives, however, are reportedly decrying the ammonia reduction efforts as a waste of time, pointing to the fact that this past winter was a typical minus 135 degrees Celsius and that Jupiter's so-called "climate change" is just a myth.

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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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