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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Jurgen Klinsmann Ends Moving Pregame Speech With ‘We’re Probably Going To Lose, Though’

NATAL, BRAZIL—Gathering his players in the locker room ahead of their opening World Cup match against Ghana, U.S. national team manager Jurgen Klinsmann reportedly concluded an emotional and inspirational pregame speech Monday by openly admitting his team would probably lose. “It’s time for us to get out there and show the entire world what we’re made of, but, you know, Ghana will probably win,” Klinsmann reportedly told his players shortly after passionately stressing that they will be playing for every single one of their friends and family members back home. “Some of you have waited your entire lives for this moment, which is a shame, because Ghana is more than likely going to beat us by two or three goals. Because they’re a better team. So, I don’t know—just do your best, I guess.” At press time, reports confirmed that Klinsmann could be heard shouting to his players from the sidelines that even if they miraculously scraped by with a tie, they would almost certainly lose to both Portugal and Germany and be knocked out of the tournament in the group stage.

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