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Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?
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Jurgen Klinsmann Ends Moving Pregame Speech With ‘We’re Probably Going To Lose, Though’

NATAL, BRAZIL—Gathering his players in the locker room ahead of their opening World Cup match against Ghana, U.S. national team manager Jurgen Klinsmann reportedly concluded an emotional and inspirational pregame speech Monday by openly admitting his team would probably lose. “It’s time for us to get out there and show the entire world what we’re made of, but, you know, Ghana will probably win,” Klinsmann reportedly told his players shortly after passionately stressing that they will be playing for every single one of their friends and family members back home. “Some of you have waited your entire lives for this moment, which is a shame, because Ghana is more than likely going to beat us by two or three goals. Because they’re a better team. So, I don’t know—just do your best, I guess.” At press time, reports confirmed that Klinsmann could be heard shouting to his players from the sidelines that even if they miraculously scraped by with a tie, they would almost certainly lose to both Portugal and Germany and be knocked out of the tournament in the group stage.

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