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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Jurgen Klinsmann Ends Moving Pregame Speech With ‘We’re Probably Going To Lose, Though’

NATAL, BRAZIL—Gathering his players in the locker room ahead of their opening World Cup match against Ghana, U.S. national team manager Jurgen Klinsmann reportedly concluded an emotional and inspirational pregame speech Monday by openly admitting his team would probably lose. “It’s time for us to get out there and show the entire world what we’re made of, but, you know, Ghana will probably win,” Klinsmann reportedly told his players shortly after passionately stressing that they will be playing for every single one of their friends and family members back home. “Some of you have waited your entire lives for this moment, which is a shame, because Ghana is more than likely going to beat us by two or three goals. Because they’re a better team. So, I don’t know—just do your best, I guess.” At press time, reports confirmed that Klinsmann could be heard shouting to his players from the sidelines that even if they miraculously scraped by with a tie, they would almost certainly lose to both Portugal and Germany and be knocked out of the tournament in the group stage.

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