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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Juror Brings Baseball Glove To Barry Bonds Perjury Trial

SAN FRANCISCO—Saying that "you never know," juror Jesse Ferguson has worn his baseball glove to the Barry Bonds perjury trial every day, telling reporters Tuesday that his seat on the jury is in a perfect spot should Bonds really connect on one. "With my luck, a hard liner would come my way the day I didn't wear a glove, so I'm just going to keep it on at all times," said Ferguson, who has taken care not to lean over the jury box railing when court is in session. "I know it's kind of childish, but there's something about attending a perjury trial with wide-ranging repercussions for the performance-enhancing-drug culture in our national pastime that brings out the kid in you." Ferguson went on to say that wearing a glove leaves one hand free to hold his beer, offer Bonds a baseball card to autograph, or take notes on the deposition.

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