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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Just A Stay-In-Bed Kind Of Day, Fire Department Declares

ALBANY, NY–Citing inclement weather and a general "blah" feeling among the firefighters, Albany fire chief Martin Brundle declared Monday "just a lazy, stay-in-bed kind of day." "We've been working hard all year," said Brundle, speaking from his firehouse cot. "Our men deserve a day to just lie around and watch TV, and maybe order some pizza in the afternoon." The department's outgoing answering-machine message advised citizens of the greater Albany area to "call back tomorrow."

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