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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Just A Stay-In-Bed Kind Of Day, Fire Department Declares

ALBANY, NY–Citing inclement weather and a general "blah" feeling among the firefighters, Albany fire chief Martin Brundle declared Monday "just a lazy, stay-in-bed kind of day." "We've been working hard all year," said Brundle, speaking from his firehouse cot. "Our men deserve a day to just lie around and watch TV, and maybe order some pizza in the afternoon." The department's outgoing answering-machine message advised citizens of the greater Albany area to "call back tomorrow."

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