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Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Just Area Man's Luck

KENOSHA, WI—Amid questions as to why this kind of shit always happens to him, area resident Patrick Kennedy told reporters Monday it was just his goddamn luck. Although the 32-year-old HR representative was caught off-guard by the recent events, which were just the icing on the cake, he acknowledged to friends that such occurrences are par for the course in his miserable life. "Of course. Of fucking course," the Kenosha native said. "Every goddamn time." Kennedy, who reportedly still cannot fucking believe it, admitted later he thought that once, maybe just once, things would be different.

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