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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Just Area Man's Luck

KENOSHA, WI—Amid questions as to why this kind of shit always happens to him, area resident Patrick Kennedy told reporters Monday it was just his goddamn luck. Although the 32-year-old HR representative was caught off-guard by the recent events, which were just the icing on the cake, he acknowledged to friends that such occurrences are par for the course in his miserable life. "Of course. Of fucking course," the Kenosha native said. "Every goddamn time." Kennedy, who reportedly still cannot fucking believe it, admitted later he thought that once, maybe just once, things would be different.

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