'Just Illegalize Us Already,' Nation's Assault Weapons Beg

In This Section

Vol 48 Issue 32

Occasional Butts

AMC 10:00 p.m. EDT/9:00 p.m. CDT Amanda walks out of the bathroom to put on a robe. Jared and David talk in the locker room after racquetball.

Fuck, Roommates Want To Have Meeting

BROOKLYN, NY—Sitting in the living room of his apartment Wednesday, a visibly anxious Drew Johnson told reporters that, fuck, his roommates want to have a meeting as soon as everyone can find a moment. According to the 24-year-old production assista...

Thursday, August 16

Authorities will be coming by homes to collect all children born the week of June 11-17 as foretold in the prophecy.

Just Give Us Five Episodes

CBS 10:00 p.m. EDT/9:00 p.m. CDT Detective Seth Murray and his hard-nosed colleagues take some getting used to, we know, but just stick with them and you’ll probably come around.

Colorado Shooter Being Evicted

Eviction proceedings were formally brought against accused Aurora, CO gunman James Holmes on Wednesday, with his landlord citing the tenant’s murder of 12 theatergoers, damage to the premises, and rigging of multiple explosive devices in the apartme...
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Healthy Living

  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

Personal Finance

'Just Illegalize Us Already,' Nation's Assault Weapons Beg

'We Are Tired Of Killing People,' Plead Firearms

WASHINGTON—In the wake of the shooting that left seven dead at a Sikh temple in Oak Creek, WI, the nation's assault weapons held a press conference today in which they pleaded with lawmakers to please just make them illegal.

Speaking on behalf of the hundreds of thousands of highly accessible American firearms that are reportedly "tired of taking the lives of innocent people," a group of military-designated, semiautomatic weapons pleaded for legislation that would immediately take them off the market and "far, far away from any psychos who would want to murder civilians."

"Every day we have to live with the overwhelming guilt and sorrow of knowing we've been used to brutally and senselessly murder people," said an M16, who read from a prepared statement while flanked by more than a dozen fellow assault weapons. "How many more human beings do we have to kill before lawmakers finally prohibit private citizens from buying us? Enough is enough already."

"Christ, do you have any idea how many children there are out there whom I could potentially murder at any given moment?" the 5.56 mm rifle added. "Don’t you at least want to keep us away from your kids?"

Maintaining composure while delivering the address, the group of highly powerful guns asked that lawmakers "at the bare minimum, for God's sake," raise restrictions so that mentally ill people could no longer get their hands on weapons and use them to kill people in public places.

The firearms furthered their argument by asking if anyone present could provide "even one logical reason why a civilian would ever need an assault weapon in the first place."

"I understand the second amendment means a lot to some people, but if it means we're going to be in the hands of violent, mentally disturbed individuals, then I, personally, don't want any part of it," said a Glock 19 semiautomatic sidearm, taking the stage as its fellow assault weapons silently nodded in the background. "I don't want to have to look terrified, helpless people directly in the eye while killing them. Do you people have any idea what that's like? It’s an absolute nightmare."

The consortium of military-grade weapons then proceeded to discard numerous rounds of armor-piercing bullets on a table in front of them, begging reporters to "take these away, take them all away before anyone else gets hurt."

"Every time this happens, whether it's Wisconsin or Aurora or Arizona, you all talk about finally criminalizing us, but it never, ever happens," said an emotional AK-47, who was being comforted by a pair of TEC-9s. "We're tired of being used to kill people, goddamn it. And we're scared. We're scared of what we're going to be used for next."

"If you people have any sense of common decency, you will do the right thing here," the assault rifle added. "Please, please, look into your hearts."

At press time, the nation's assault weapons returned to their homes, where their owners repeatedly and aggressively emptied them into moving cardboard targets.

Jump to next story

Onion Video

Watch More