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'Just Illegalize Us Already,' Nation's Assault Weapons Beg

'We Are Tired Of Killing People,' Plead Firearms

WASHINGTON—In the wake of the shooting that left seven dead at a Sikh temple in Oak Creek, WI, the nation's assault weapons held a press conference today in which they pleaded with lawmakers to please just make them illegal.

Speaking on behalf of the hundreds of thousands of highly accessible American firearms that are reportedly "tired of taking the lives of innocent people," a group of military-designated, semiautomatic weapons pleaded for legislation that would immediately take them off the market and "far, far away from any psychos who would want to murder civilians."

"Every day we have to live with the overwhelming guilt and sorrow of knowing we've been used to brutally and senselessly murder people," said an M16, who read from a prepared statement while flanked by more than a dozen fellow assault weapons. "How many more human beings do we have to kill before lawmakers finally prohibit private citizens from buying us? Enough is enough already."

"Christ, do you have any idea how many children there are out there whom I could potentially murder at any given moment?" the 5.56 mm rifle added. "Don’t you at least want to keep us away from your kids?"

Maintaining composure while delivering the address, the group of highly powerful guns asked that lawmakers "at the bare minimum, for God's sake," raise restrictions so that mentally ill people could no longer get their hands on weapons and use them to kill people in public places.

The firearms furthered their argument by asking if anyone present could provide "even one logical reason why a civilian would ever need an assault weapon in the first place."

"I understand the second amendment means a lot to some people, but if it means we're going to be in the hands of violent, mentally disturbed individuals, then I, personally, don't want any part of it," said a Glock 19 semiautomatic sidearm, taking the stage as its fellow assault weapons silently nodded in the background. "I don't want to have to look terrified, helpless people directly in the eye while killing them. Do you people have any idea what that's like? It’s an absolute nightmare."

The consortium of military-grade weapons then proceeded to discard numerous rounds of armor-piercing bullets on a table in front of them, begging reporters to "take these away, take them all away before anyone else gets hurt."

"Every time this happens, whether it's Wisconsin or Aurora or Arizona, you all talk about finally criminalizing us, but it never, ever happens," said an emotional AK-47, who was being comforted by a pair of TEC-9s. "We're tired of being used to kill people, goddamn it. And we're scared. We're scared of what we're going to be used for next."

"If you people have any sense of common decency, you will do the right thing here," the assault rifle added. "Please, please, look into your hearts."

At press time, the nation's assault weapons returned to their homes, where their owners repeatedly and aggressively emptied them into moving cardboard targets.

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New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

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