Just Shoot Me Writer Assumes Everyone He Meets Watches Just Shoot Me

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Tom Clancy Treated Like He's Some Kind Of Terrorism Expert

WASHINGTON, DC— Tom Clancy, bestselling author of such military thrillers as The Hunt For Red October and Patriot Games, is being treated like an actual terrorism expert, having offered his opinion on Larry King Live and countless other TV shows since Sept. 11. "The Al Qaeda network is known to have operatives in at least 30 countries, including the U.S. and Great Britain," said Clancy, a former insurance broker and avid wearer of naval-warship baseball caps, during a recent Nightline. "By the way, Ted, Stephen Ambrose's The Wild Blue is a terrific read." Later that evening, Clancy appeared in a Crossfire panel on biological warfare with former CIA director John Deutch and Secretary Of State Colin Powell.

Mom Uses Full Name To Refer To Bisquick Impossibly Easy Cheeseburger Pie™

HICKORY, NC— Inviting her family to dig in to dinner Monday, Donna Furness, 41, referred to the meal by its full, trademarked name. "Who's ready for some Bisquick Impossibly Easy Cheeseburger Pie™?" asked Furness while serving her loved ones the hamburger pie, made from a recipe on the side of a Bisquick box. "Just be sure to save room for dessert: We're having Smuckers Quick 'N' Nutty Jam Gems™."

Area Man Switches To Backup Lie

AURORA, CO— At the last possible moment, area resident Gordon Kanner aborted his planned avenue of untruth, turning instead to a backup lie to explain his failure to show up at his girlfriend's sister's birthday party. "That was the closest call in my entire two years with Jessica," a relieved Kanner told reporters after the near-bust. "I was going to feed her some bullshit about how I couldn't make it to her sister's thing because I had to work. But just as I was about to, she mentions seeing my car at the Safeway. Fortunately, I was able to think fast and switch to my sick-mother lie."

Michael Jordan Not Exactly Sure What Product He Just Filmed Commercial For

LOS ANGELES— Minutes after completing a commercial shoot Monday, NBA legend Michael Jordan reported being unable to recall what product he endorsed. "I'm pretty sure it had something to do with phones," Jordan said. "But it wasn't MCI. It was, like, fiber-optic stuff or videoconferencing. Anyway, I talked about how you can score a slam dunk with the company and mentioned the name twice." On Friday, Jordan is slated to film a 30-second spot for Dove Bars or maybe hot dogs.

Now More Than Ever, Humanity Needs My Back To The Future Fan Fiction

We, as a nation, have suffered. Wounded and confused, we wonder whether life will ever be the same again. But for all our pain, we can heal, if each one of us pitches in. We all have a part to play, whether donating blood, contributing to relief charities, or writing high-quality fan fiction to help a grieving nation forget its troubles for just a little while.

What's Up, Dick?

Vice-President Cheney has spent much of the past several weeks hidden from public view in a secret location, prompting rumors about his status. What do you think?

Nation's Grandmas Halt Production Of Afghan Blankets

WASHINGTON, DC— In a show of support for the U.S., the nation's grandmas announced plans Monday to stop knitting afghan blankets. "We must do our part to stand behind our country," said spokesgrandma Nettie Bennett, 87. "Even if it means my new grandson will have to sleep with a store-bought comforter, I will not make something named after a place that lets terrorists run around all willy-nilly."
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Just Shoot Me Writer Assumes Everyone He Meets Watches Just Shoot Me

LOS ANGELES—Andy Kaminowitz, 31, a staff writer for the popular Thursday-night NBC sitcom Just Shoot Me, operates under the assumption that everyone he meets watches the show, sources revealed Monday.

Andy Kaminowitz in the <i>Just Shoot Me</i> writer's room.

"It's kind of weird how he thinks everybody should be familiar with his work," said Frank Scalia, a bartender at Dublin's, a Sunset Boulevard bar frequented by Kaminowitz. "He'll walk in, strike up a conversation with somebody, and casually bring up that he's a writer for Just Shoot Me. Then, he just sits back with this air of expectation, like people are going to have all these questions for him about specific episodes or whatever."

"I mean, I've seen the show once or twice, and I guess it's all right," Scalia said. "But it's not like I plan my week around it."

According to witnesses, whenever Kaminowitz meets someone unfamiliar with the program, he becomes confused and annoyed, unable to comprehend a world that contains people who are not big Just Shoot Me fans.

"He asked what I thought of the line, 'Man, you pretty uptight—even for a white boy,' that [guest star] Snoop Dogg said when Finch quit working for him in the episode 'Finch In The Dogg House,'" said Ellen Prior, 44, who sat next to Kaminowitz in a dental-office waiting room last Tuesday. "I told him I wasn't sure I'd seen that one, but he just went on, saying, 'That line was mine. I didn't get script credit on that episode, but I contributed the best material during punch-up.'"

"I don't even know what 'punch-up' means," Prior added.

Kaminowitz, a Harvard Lampoon alumnus, has held staff-writer positions at a number of programs, including VH1's Pop-Up Video and The WB's Unhappily Ever After. After a two-year stint at Win Ben Stein's Money, he was hired at Just Shoot Me in September 2000, impressing producers with a spec script he'd written for Suddenly Susan. Ever since, he's held fast to the notion that people are familiar with and interested in his work on the show.

"I couldn't believe it," said Doug Hannisch, 38, a frequent customer at Dublin's, where Kaminowitz is known among regulars as "that fucking Just Shoot Me guy." "I once made the mistake of trying to talk to him about the game, just because I was sitting next to him when Monday Night Football was on. So he says to me, 'You watch TV? What did you think of this week's JSM? The part where Elliott and Finch were razzing Maya about the overpriced imported coffee she bought online? That was pulled straight from real life. That's based on my actual sister, I swear."

"I was like, 'What the hell is this guy talking about?'" Hannisch said. "I mean, 'JSM'? Who refers to Just Shoot Me as 'JSM'?"

A <i>Just Shoot Me</i> scene from November 2000 scripted by Kaminowitz.

Eventually, Kaminowitz got up and moved to another seat near Dan Carter, 41, striking up another Just Shoot Me-based conversation. Upon realizing that Carter was not a regular Just Shoot Me viewer and could not name a cast member besides David Spade, Kaminowitz let out a long, dramatic sigh.

"He looks around the bar in disbelief and says, 'Who doesn't know who Wendy Malick is? Or Laura San Giacomo?'" Carter said. "I was like, 'Sorry. Maybe I'd recognize them if I saw their picture. The names don't really ring a bell, though.'"

According to acquaintances of the oft-incredulous sitcom writer, Kaminowitz's distorted sense of the importance of his work dates back to the early '90s, when he was a personal assistant to Ron Wolotsky, then co-executive producer of the HBO comedy series Dream On.

"When Andy got that job, he'd make all these passing references to 'Ron,' as if he expected us know who Ron Wolotsky was," said Melanie Myers, 32, an L.A.-area obstetrician and longtime friend of Kaminowitz's. "It's not like I walk around casually spouting Latin terms for women's reproductive organs and assume everybody's going to understand me."

Neighbor Greg Tan, who has endured numerous Just Shoot Me-related monologues, said Kaminowitz "doesn't get out much."

"Andy puts in really long hours at the show," Tan said. "He'll generally leave his house around 9 a.m. and not get back until well after midnight. From what Andy's told me, for some reason, they make those guys work, like, 70 hours a week. Apparently, that's just common practice on sitcoms. I can't understand why: It's not like they're working to cure cancer. They're writing Just Shoot Me, for God's sake."

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