adBlockCheck

Justice Breyer Unable To Look At Anything Without Deliberating Constitutionality Of It

Top Headlines

Supreme Court

Nation’s Homophobic Bigots Pack It In

‘Rules Are Rules,’ Say Those With Deeply Ingrained Prejudices

WASHINGTON—Following the Supreme Court’s landmark ruling that bans on same-sex marriage were unconstitutional, the nation’s homophobic bigots reportedly conceded today that “rules are rules” and announced that they were going to pack it in.

Supreme Court Gathers To Watch Baby Justices Hatch

WASHINGTON—Crowding around a small glass incubator in their personal chambers for a better vantage point, all nine members of the U.S. Supreme Court reportedly gathered Tuesday to watch a brood of baby justices hatch from their eggs.

Grasshopper Dismembered By Future Supreme Court Justice

CASTLE ROCK, CO—Nearly 45 years before he is to be appointed to the Supreme Court by the 51st president of the United States, Lucas Bevins, 8, reportedly spent Thursday afternoon ripping the legs and antennae off of a grasshopper he found in his bac...

Nation Celebrates What Is, Technically Speaking, Progress

WASHINGTON—Following two Supreme Court rulings today that allowed homosexuals in California to wed, extended federal benefits to same-sex married couples, but stopped short of calling gay marriage constitutional, the nation celebrated what is, techn...

Supreme Court On Gay Marriage: 'Sure, Who Cares'

WASHINGTON—Ten minutes into oral arguments over whether or not homosexuals should be allowed to marry one another, a visibly confounded Supreme Court stopped legal proceedings Tuesday and ruled that gay marriage was “perfectly fine” and ...
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Surprises

  • Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

    DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Justice Breyer Unable To Look At Anything Without Deliberating Constitutionality Of It

WASHINGTON—U.S. Supreme Court justice Stephen Breyer told reporters this week that he cannot stop himself from deliberating over whether even the most mundane aspects of his personal life follow the dictates set out by the U.S. Constitution. "It's completely automatic now; without even thinking about it, I'll be staring at a cup of coffee and start mentally running through Third Circuit appeals that could potentially relate to it," said Breyer, who estimated he spent at least six hours of his free time Saturday contemplating the constitutionality of issues ranging from throwing garbage in a neighbor's trash can to a birthday card for his nephew, which certain creative property statutes might have applied to. "I was late to work this morning because I tried to figure out whether borrowing my wife's car would violate the Fourth Amendment's prohibitions on unreasonable seizure in light of the precedent set by—hold on, I should be writing this down." When reached for comment, the Supreme Court's other eight justices were unanimous in their sentiment that Breyer should really stop calling them at home.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close