Justice Ginsburg Throws Party While 120-Year-Old Parents Away For Weekend

Top Headlines

Supreme Court

Nation’s Homophobic Bigots Pack It In

‘Rules Are Rules,’ Say Those With Deeply Ingrained Prejudices

WASHINGTON—Following the Supreme Court’s landmark ruling that bans on same-sex marriage were unconstitutional, the nation’s homophobic bigots reportedly conceded today that “rules are rules” and announced that they were going to pack it in.

Supreme Court Gathers To Watch Baby Justices Hatch

WASHINGTON—Crowding around a small glass incubator in their personal chambers for a better vantage point, all nine members of the U.S. Supreme Court reportedly gathered Tuesday to watch a brood of baby justices hatch from their eggs.

Grasshopper Dismembered By Future Supreme Court Justice

CASTLE ROCK, CO—Nearly 45 years before he is to be appointed to the Supreme Court by the 51st president of the United States, Lucas Bevins, 8, reportedly spent Thursday afternoon ripping the legs and antennae off of a grasshopper he found in his bac...

Nation Celebrates What Is, Technically Speaking, Progress

WASHINGTON—Following two Supreme Court rulings today that allowed homosexuals in California to wed, extended federal benefits to same-sex married couples, but stopped short of calling gay marriage constitutional, the nation celebrated what is, techn...

Supreme Court On Gay Marriage: 'Sure, Who Cares'

WASHINGTON—Ten minutes into oral arguments over whether or not homosexuals should be allowed to marry one another, a visibly confounded Supreme Court stopped legal proceedings Tuesday and ruled that gay marriage was “perfectly fine” and ...

Supreme Court's New Agent Already Getting Them Better Cases

WASHINGTON—The justices of the United States Supreme Court confirmed this week that although he has been on the job less than a year, their new agent, Rory McCleft, has already started to help the nine-member panel land more high-profile cases. Earl...

Justice Scalia Endorses New Easton Gaveling Gloves

WASHINGTON—Saying their gel-filled kangaroo-leather palms give him "the control and comfort I need for the perfect swing," Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia signed a deal Monday with equipment and accessory maker Easton to endorse the c...

Interim Apple Chief Under Fire After Unveiling Grotesque New MacBook

CUPERTINO, CA—In his first major product release since stepping in for an ailing Steve Jobs last month, interim Apple CEO Tim Cook faced a storm of harsh criticism Monday after unveiling a grotesque new version of the company's popular MacBook that many in attendance described as "disgusting."

Elena Kagan - Trust Us, She Needed This Gig Real Bad

Supreme Court Justice

When she became the fourth woman to join the highest court in the land last August, it was a significant moment in American history. But for newly minted Supreme Court justice Elena Kagan, it meant something so much more: a steady paycheck.

Supreme Court Understudy Fills In For Scalia

WASHINGTON—After waiting in the wings of the U.S. Supreme Court for three long years, understudy Albert Dorchester, 28, finally got a chance to fill in for Justice Antonin Scalia Tuesday when a sudden illness kept the veteran jurist from his usual d...

Oct. 10, 1991

Supreme Court Nominee Clarence Thomas: 'The Ass-Slapping Was Never Done In An Inappropriate Manner'

October 10, 1991

Supreme Court Nominee Clarence Thomas: 'The Ass-Slapping Was Never Done In An Inappropriate Manner'

Judging Roberts

Last week, the confirmation hearings for Supreme Court nominee John Roberts began. Here are the key facts Congress has uncovered about Judge Roberts:

Bush Nominates First-Trimester Fetus To Supreme Court

WASHINGTON, DC—In a press conference Monday, President Bush named a 72-day-old gestating fetus as his nominee to fill the Supreme Court seat that opened following the death of Chief Justice William Rehnquist. "Already, this experienced...

Genie Grants Scalia Strict Constructionist Interpretation Of Wish

WASHINGTON, DC—A genie freed from a battered oil lamp by Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia granted the conservative jurist a strict constructionist interpretation of his wish for "a hundred billion bucks" Monday. "Sim sim salabim! Your wish is my command!" the genie proclaimed amid flashes of light and purple smoke, immediately filling the Supreme Court building with a massive herd of wild male antelopes. When Justice Scalia complained that the "bucks" had razed the U.S. Supreme Court building, trampling and killing several of his clerks and bringing traffic in the nation's capital to a standstill for hours, the genie said, "Your honor, your wish is a sacred and unalterable document whose interpretation is not subject to the whims of society and changing social context."

August 1, 1956

Supreme Court Rules U.S. Fathers Should Not Be Disturbed During Dinner Hour

Supreme Court Justices Devour Sandra Day O'Connor In Ancient Ritual

WASHINGTON, DC—The eight remaining justices of the Supreme Court met in chambers Monday to feast on the living flesh of retiring Justice Sandra Day O'Connor, enacting an ancient tradition that began when the first chief justice of the Supreme Court retired and was summarily consumed in 1795.

June 13, 1967

National Guard Mobilized For Integration Of Negro Into Supreme Court

Son, We Need To Talk About This Supreme Court Obsession Of Yours

Son, could you come in here for a second? Well, I'm sorry, but that newspaper's just going to have to wait, because we really need to talk. Son, your mother and I have been worried about you. Your grades have been slipping, you've been spending less time with your friends, and you've been shutting yourself in your room for hours at a time. Now, I know it may make you feel uncomfortable to talk about it, but this Supreme Court obsession of yours has become a problem.

Gay Couple Feels Pressured To Marry

DEDHAM, MA—Ever since last month, when Massachusetts became the first state to allow same-sex weddings, parents, friends, and coworkers have been pressuring Kristin Burton and her girlfriend Laura Miyatake to marry, the couple of 14 months said Monday.

Supreme Court Agrees To Disagree On Abortion Issue

WASHINGTON, DC–After decades of divisive debate, the U.S. Supreme Court finally agreed to disagree Monday on the hot-button issue of abortion. "It is the opinion of this court that we could go on and on arguing about this forever," said Justice Antonin Scalia, who wrote the opinion in the 9-0 decision. "But in the end, that serves nobody. So, finally, we threw up our hands and said, 'Let's just agree to disagree.'" The court's ruling contains language that specifically prohibits justices from bringing up the matter again.

Gore Calls For Recount Of Supreme Court Vote

WASHINGTON, DC– An increasingly desperate Al Gore called for a recount Tuesday of the U.S. Supreme Court's 9-0 decision in Bush v. Palm Beach County Canvassing Board. "There is reason to suspect that these nine votes were not properly counted and that as many as five justices who sided with Mr. Bush did not intend to do so," Gore said. "It is therefore in the best interest of our democracy for the U.S. Supreme Court to suspend judgment in this case until we can be absolutely certain that this court did, in fact, intend to rule in Mr. Bush's favor." Gore added that if his recount request is denied, he will file an appeal with the Interplanetary Supreme Court.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Justice Ginsburg Throws Party While 120-Year-Old Parents Away For Weekend

Justice Ginsburg throws an “epic fucking rager” while her parents are out of town.
Justice Ginsburg throws an “epic fucking rager” while her parents are out of town.

ALEXANDRIA, VA—With her parents leaving town to celebrate their 98th wedding anniversary, Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg made plans Friday for a major house party, inviting all her Supreme Court colleagues to what she promised would be “a classic Ginsburg throwdown.”

Ginsburg, a Clinton appointee who traditionally votes with the court’s liberal wing and whose 120-year-old parents explicitly told her not to have any friends over, confirmed that she waited until her mother and father had pulled out of the driveway before texting “it’s on” to her fellow justices and telling them to “get ready to drink [their] asses off.”

“My dad is seriously crazy if he thinks I’m not going to throw an epic rager when I have the house to myself all weekend,” said Ginsburg, whose father, a furrier and haberdasher by trade, reportedly wrote down the mileage on his 1928 Ford Model A so he would know if his daughter took it out for a spin. “As far as I’m concerned, when the cats are away, the mice will play.”

“Besides, I’m 79,” she continued as she prepared a tray of Jell-O shots using the mix favored by her supercentenarian mother for its softness on her toothless gums. “They can’t tell me what to do anymore.”

According to sources, Justices Antonin Scalia, Anthony Kennedy, Samuel Alito, Stephen Breyer, and Clarence Thomas arrived first, catching a ride to the party in the open-backed Jeep Wrangler of Chief Justice John Roberts, who had earlier persuaded his older sister Kathy to buy beer. Justices Sotomayor and Kagan showed up shortly thereafter, having taken longer than expected to dupe their parents into thinking they were sleeping over at each other’s houses.

Though David Souter had hoped to drive down from New Hampshire and party with the court “like old times,” the retired justice told reporters he had to cancel when his plan to “squeeze some gas money out of the old man” fell through.

Originally intended as a “justices-only thing,” the partygoers said the gathering grew much larger when Scalia posted the address of the house on the Justice Department’s Facebook page, inviting “everyone who views the writ of certiorari as essential to a robust judiciary” to “come get shwasted at RBG’s place.”

“Party’s off the fucking hook!” exclaimed Breyer, taking a body shot from a 58-year-old court stenographer who had come with friends from the U.S. Court of Appeals for the Fourth Circuit. “Don’t get me wrong, [Elena] Kag[an]’s confirmation bash was the shit, but this one’s in a totally different league. I’d forgotten how cute first-year federal clerkship girls are. Damn!

“I’m definitely getting ass tonight,” he added, excusing himself to “get blazed” with a group of special assistant U.S. attorneys in the family’s carriage shed.

Meanwhile, “reigning flip-cup champions” Kennedy and Alito reportedly set up shop on an oak bagatelle table in the parlor, with games getting so out of hand they nearly broke a porcelain vase recently given to Ginsburg by her 156-year-old grandmother.

Witnesses reported that at approximately 1 a.m., the revelry came to a grinding halt when a police car was spotted in the driveway, prompting the nine members of the highest court in the land to scatter into the woods behind the house.

After an initial scramble by the justices to hide the weed and reach a consensus on whether law enforcement in this instance had probable cause to search persons for possession of a controlled substance, Ginsburg, who was the most sober and once served as general counsel for the American Civil Liberties Union, was nominated to the do the talking.

“The cops were pretty cool and let me off with a warning to keep the noise down and make sure everyone got home safe,” Ginsburg said. “It’s a good thing, too, because my dad would have really let me have some 19th-century discipline if he found out I had people over.”

“He’s such an old fogy, and it sucks, because I’m much more responsible now than I was in my 60s,” she continued, adding that her father has never fully trusted her since smelling vodka on her breath one night in 1998. “He still thinks of me as being this much younger woman who just qualified for Medicare.”

Ginsburg confirmed she would clean the house meticulously Saturday to avoid what happened after her last party, when her father discovered an empty can of beer on his wind-up Victrola gramophone and grounded her for the remainder of the court’s term.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close