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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Justin Bieber Fan Jealous Of Anne Frank

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Following weekend reports that teen pop sensation Justin Bieber visited the Anne Frank House in Amsterdam, local Bieber fan Khloe McNeal, 13, announced Monday that she was ‘jealous’ of the 15-year-old Holocaust victim. “Biebs went to her house? So unfair,” said the diehard ‘Belieber’ of the persecuted Jewish teen who, after hiding from the Nazis for two years in a cramped attic, died of typhus in the Bergen-Belsen concentration camp just weeks before its liberation. “What makes her so special that she gets a shout out? I retweet him every day and he mentions her by name and calls her a ‘great girl?’ Ugh.” McNeal went on to say that she was so envious of Frank that she wanted to “literally die,” adding that “some girls just have all the luck.”

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