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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Justin Bieber Recovering In Intensive Care Unit After Being Badly Booed

LAS VEGAS—Doctors at Valley Hospital Medical Center are reporting that pop sensation Justin Bieber is in critical but stable condition today after being admitted to the facility’s intensive care unit Sunday night with severe booing-related trauma sustained at the Billboard Music Awards. “Mr. Bieber was rushed into the ER late last evening after enduring heavy boos, and while the situation was pretty touch-and-go for a while there, his vitals look good and we are hopeful he will eventually make a full recovery,” emergency medical specialist Dr. Isaac Liss said of the 19-year-old singer, who entered the hospital after being badly hurt by a chorus of jeers, jibes, and heckles while accepting the fan-voted Milestone Award. “We’re just trying to administer lots of love and praise right now. He’s still on shaky ground, but with a steady, round-the-clock course of fawning adulation, I think Mr. Bieber will one day soon, with luck, be able to make another awards show appearance.” At press time, Bieber’s condition had taken a turn for the worse after the performer was booed by one of his nurses.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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