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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.
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Justin Bieber Recovering In Intensive Care Unit After Being Badly Booed

LAS VEGAS—Doctors at Valley Hospital Medical Center are reporting that pop sensation Justin Bieber is in critical but stable condition today after being admitted to the facility’s intensive care unit Sunday night with severe booing-related trauma sustained at the Billboard Music Awards. “Mr. Bieber was rushed into the ER late last evening after enduring heavy boos, and while the situation was pretty touch-and-go for a while there, his vitals look good and we are hopeful he will eventually make a full recovery,” emergency medical specialist Dr. Isaac Liss said of the 19-year-old singer, who entered the hospital after being badly hurt by a chorus of jeers, jibes, and heckles while accepting the fan-voted Milestone Award. “We’re just trying to administer lots of love and praise right now. He’s still on shaky ground, but with a steady, round-the-clock course of fawning adulation, I think Mr. Bieber will one day soon, with luck, be able to make another awards show appearance.” At press time, Bieber’s condition had taken a turn for the worse after the performer was booed by one of his nurses.

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