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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Justin Gatlin: 'Under The Right Conditions, I Can Run The 100 In 3.2 seconds'

RALEIGH, NC—American sprinter Justin Gatlin recently announced that he can easily surpass his own world record in the 100 meters (9.77 seconds) by nearly 6.5 seconds if the conditions are just right. "If the winds behind me are similar to that of a Category 4 hurricane without the rain and hail; the course we are running on is a steep, flat drop from the apex of a tall mountain; my shoes are three ounces lighter than usual and sport aerodynamic jet propellers; my mother is in the stands cheering, but not loud enough to the point where it is distracting; the other participants in the race are chasing me with weapons; and I neglect to wear my lucky but weighty gold chain, there is no question that I can run it in 3.2 seconds," Gatlin said. "My coach and I have simulated these conditions in practice, and I ran it in 3.7 seconds. With the added adrenaline of a real race, who knows how low I can go." U.S. racing officials have said that, though they wouldn't mind watching this race, any record-breaking time recorded under these conditions would lack legitimacy.

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