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Oh Great, Another Woman Who Only Loves Me For My Complete Collection Of ‘Rurouni Kenshin’ Manga

Well isn’t that great—just great. Here I am, thinking I’ve finally met someone who’s perfect for me—she’s caring, smart, beautiful, and most of all, it seemed like she really got me. But I should have known better. Turns out she’s just like the rest of them, just another in a long line of women who only love me for my complete collection of the classic wandering samurai manga Rurouni Kenshin.

Disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings Not Living Up To Ridicule

LOS ANGELES—Describing the experience as a significant letdown, local diner Eric Tidwell told reporters that the disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings franchise he visited Thursday night failed to live up to the scorn he had long heard about the restaurant.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

‘Our Town’ Cast Party Going Off The Rails

PEEKSKILL, NY—Describing a wild scene in which performers and stagehands were loudly conversing, laughing, and occasionally breaking back into their characters from the play, sources confirmed Sunday night that the cast party for the local production of Our Town is currently going off the rails.

Thieves Make Off With Museum’s Most Valuable Docents

CHICAGO—In what is being described as a sophisticated and well-executed heist, thieves stole nine of the Art Institute of Chicago’s most valuable docents in broad daylight this morning, according to museum and law enforcement officials.
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Justin Timberlake Apathetically Crowned King Of Pop

LOS ANGELES—Performer Justin Timberlake, whose hit albums include Justified and  FutureSex/LoveSounds, was crowned the de facto "King of Pop" Monday by recording-industry executives and millions of fans unable to think of anyone else to bestow the title upon.

Timberlake in one of his pop-star outfits.

"It might as well be him," said occasional music consumer Sophie Grant, 23, of Lincoln, NE, who claimed to have purchased one of Timberlake's CDs within the last few years. "We haven't had a King of Pop since Michael Jackson went off the rails, so I suppose they had to pick somebody."

"He's huge, right?" she added.

A former member of the 1990s boy band 'N Sync, a musical act known primarily for its popularity, Timberlake has dominated the pop charts as a solo artist in recent years due to a trait music-industry insiders call "the magic 'whatever' factor"—the elusive star quality whereby the majority of listeners do not actively find a recording artist to be objectionable.

With responses ranging from tepid acceptance to noncommittal approval, Timberlake has ridden a massive wave of public indifference to become the pop world's biggest superstar-by-default.

"Numbers don't lie: Justin is really popular," Jive Records marketing director Gail Meyers said. "We even checked the sales-tracking SoundScan thing, just to be sure, and it turns out, yeah, he's sold a lot of units."

A massive crowd of Timberlake ticket buyers.

"And his music is definitely 'pop,' no question there," Meyers continued. "So there's that."

It is widely assumed that the new title was cemented during Sunday's Grammys ceremony, when Timberlake gave a performance half-watched by more than 300 million viewers worldwide.

"Justin Timberlake is the undisputed King of Pop, I guess," Des Moines, IA administrative assistant Duane Carlisle, 26, said. "He also dated that famous actress and was in that big movie that my cousin saw."

"You could say he deserves it, after all those hits I know he's had," 38-year-old Chicago-area freight driver Bob Shipps said. "I've seen him on billboards and on TV. He dances. He's certainly an international sensation or what have you."

Nineteen-year-old University of Minnesota student Kristin Roper, who said she "had a nice time" at a recent Timberlake concert, owns both of the new pop king's albums. "One I got myself, and then my girlfriend bought the other one for me for my birthday, which was nice of her to do," Roper said. "I get a lot of his songs stuck in my head, but I don't think I could pick a favorite."

Music industry observers said Timberlake was virtually the only candidate for the title since wildly popular singers such as Jessica Simpson and Shakira cannot technically be called "king."

"He did bring sexy back," Rolling Stone Executive Editor Joe Levy said. "I can't even think of anyone else who would qualify. Oh, yeah, I forgot about Usher. He could have been King of Pop. Oh well, too late now."

To celebrate the news, Timberlake will reportedly throw a party sometime this weekend at a chic New York or Miami nightclub with dozens of fellow celebrities, which will be photographed and reported on by a wide array of celebrity-focused magazines and websites.

More from this section

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

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