adBlockCheck

Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
End Of Section
  • More News

Justin Trudeau Unveils Plan To Meet Healthcare Needs Of Canada’s Aging Prog Rockers

OTTAWA—Saying it was only right to give back to those who had done so much for their country, Canadian prime minister Justin Trudeau unveiled a plan Thursday that would provide for the healthcare needs of the nation’s aging prog rockers. “Groups from Rush to Triumph to Harmonium are valued members of our society, and it’s our duty to ensure that they’re healthy enough to tour throughout their golden years,” said Trudeau at a press conference, explaining that a new bill slightly raising sales taxes would fully fund coverage for the increased expenses incurred by the nation’s elderly prog-rock vocalists, guitarists, and mellotron players. “While prog rockers represent over 5 percent of Canada’s GDP, they require an increasing amount of our healthcare funds, with The Guess Who and Voivod accounting for millions of dollars in annual medical spending alone. As band members get older and have trouble standing for the duration of 19-minute intros, remembering all the lyrics to their fantasy concept albums, or simply getting around a 40-piece drum kit, we owe it to them to do all we can.” Trudeau’s plan has reportedly spurred calls for similar legislation in Norway, where citizens will increasingly have to contend with significant healthcare expenditures for their large and rapidly aging black metal population.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close