Justin Upton Realizes He’s Been At Bat For 4 Hours

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Vol 49 Issue 27

Belichick To Tebow: ‘I’m Your Lord And Savior Now’

BOSTON—Warning that he was a dark and vengeful God, New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick reportedly pulled aside Tim Tebow at the team’s facilities Thursday and informed the backup quarterback that he was his only Lord and savior now...

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SEDGECREST GRANGE—According to reports currently emanating from the sullen gloom of Sedgecrest Grange, two young lovers, mere moments after their impetuous peregrination into the dusky marshlands, have become hopelessly lost and separated, their eve...
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Justin Upton Realizes He’s Been At Bat For 4 Hours

ATLANTA—Taking a timeout during the third inning of Tuesday’s game against the Marlins, Braves left fielder Justin Upton reportedly realized he’d been at bat for more than four hours. “Man, how long have I been up here?” Upton was overheard muttering after fouling off 437 consecutive full-count pitches from eight different Marlins pitchers. “It’s getting fairly dark outside, my shoulders are really starting to ache, and the fans are starting to leave. I mean, I get that it’s important to be patient and wait for the right pitch, but this is taking fucking forever.” At press time, the inning had ended as Jason Heyward was caught stealing second.

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