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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Karl Malone Still Making Posters Of Himself For Kids' Bedrooms

RUSTON, LA—Forty-nine-year-old NBA Hall of Famer Karl Malone told reporters Monday that in addition to helping coach Louisiana Tech’s basketball team and escaping to his second home in Alaska, he still finds time to make new posters of himself for kids to hang on their bedroom walls. “With these computer programs now, it’s super easy to make them at home, throw the files on a Zip disk, and bring them to Kinko’s, where they print them out,” said Malone, showing reporters a few of his favorite designs, including one featuring the power forward dressed in a postal service uniform that says “The Mailman,” and another of him striking a pose while dunking, which he called “a total classic.” “People think posters have gone out of style, but no way. A kid turns 12, gets to decorate his own room, what’s he gonna choose? Posters. And that’s where ‘The Mailman’ comes in.” Malone declined to comment on how much revenue is generated by his posters, saying only that he “gets by,” which is more than can be said of former Golden State Warrior Chris Mullin, who just last year ceased production of his line of Chris Mullin trading cards due to declining sales.

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