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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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Karl Malone Still Making Posters Of Himself For Kids' Bedrooms

RUSTON, LA—Forty-nine-year-old NBA Hall of Famer Karl Malone told reporters Monday that in addition to helping coach Louisiana Tech’s basketball team and escaping to his second home in Alaska, he still finds time to make new posters of himself for kids to hang on their bedroom walls. “With these computer programs now, it’s super easy to make them at home, throw the files on a Zip disk, and bring them to Kinko’s, where they print them out,” said Malone, showing reporters a few of his favorite designs, including one featuring the power forward dressed in a postal service uniform that says “The Mailman,” and another of him striking a pose while dunking, which he called “a total classic.” “People think posters have gone out of style, but no way. A kid turns 12, gets to decorate his own room, what’s he gonna choose? Posters. And that’s where ‘The Mailman’ comes in.” Malone declined to comment on how much revenue is generated by his posters, saying only that he “gets by,” which is more than can be said of former Golden State Warrior Chris Mullin, who just last year ceased production of his line of Chris Mullin trading cards due to declining sales.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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