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Politics

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Karl Rove Ensures Republican Elected As Student Body President

McALLEN, TX—Thanks to the intervention of White House political advisor Karl Rove, McAllen East Middle School elected a Republican student body president Monday. "I'd like to give a special shout-out to Mr. Rove, for helping me beat [incumbent president] Luis Mendes," Paul Wenger said in his victory speech. "Thanks to him, I was totally able to expose Luis' idea of using candy funds to buy uniforms for needy students. As your president, I'll make sure that that money goes back into the school, where it belongs—and into the biggest pizza party that McAllen East has ever seen." Rove denied any involvement in the election.

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