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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Kasich Trying To Find Other States Where He Is Beloved Multi-Term Governor

COLUMBUS, OH—Hoping to build on the momentum from his victory in the Ohio Republican primary last night, presidential candidate John Kasich reportedly spent much of Wednesday trying to locate other states where he is a beloved multi-term governor. “Given our campaign’s tremendous success in Ohio, I’ve instructed my top staffers to focus all their efforts on identifying additional states where I am currently a widely popular governor, or have been in the past,” the candidate told reporters, adding that several aides were currently placing calls to every statehouse in the country to determine whether Kasich is a sitting governor anywhere else. “We want to move forward with the strategy that’s worked for us, and that means campaigning hard in states where my current constituents live. I’ve proved that I can win big in areas where I’m the governor, and now it’s time to take that approach nationwide.” Kasich went on to admit that he was still playing catch-up after his earlier strategy of trying to find states with a sizable moderate Republican base had proved unsuccessful.

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