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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Kate Middleton Shows Off Baby Bump

LONDON—Months after announcing her pregnancy in December, the Duchess of Cambridge Kate Middleton stepped out in public Tuesday, displaying her growing baby bump to a throng of excited onlookers. “Three months into her pregnancy, our crew spotted the usually trim duchess exhibiting a budding belly,” Daily Mirror celebrity reporter Stephanie Wood said of the expectant Middleton, who reportedly showed off her ballooning middle after leaving a routine appointment at St. Thomas’ Hospital. “Though the duchess appeared a little fatigued, we can hardly blame her. After all, she’s smiling for two now!” When reached for comment, Middleton appeared overwhelmed by her highly anticipated bundle of joy, saying only, “I can’t believe this is happening,” before royal guards escorted the weary mommy-to-be back to her private quarters at Buckingham Palace.

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