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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.
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Kate Middleton Shows Off Baby Bump

LONDON—Months after announcing her pregnancy in December, the Duchess of Cambridge Kate Middleton stepped out in public Tuesday, displaying her growing baby bump to a throng of excited onlookers. “Three months into her pregnancy, our crew spotted the usually trim duchess exhibiting a budding belly,” Daily Mirror celebrity reporter Stephanie Wood said of the expectant Middleton, who reportedly showed off her ballooning middle after leaving a routine appointment at St. Thomas’ Hospital. “Though the duchess appeared a little fatigued, we can hardly blame her. After all, she’s smiling for two now!” When reached for comment, Middleton appeared overwhelmed by her highly anticipated bundle of joy, saying only, “I can’t believe this is happening,” before royal guards escorted the weary mommy-to-be back to her private quarters at Buckingham Palace.

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