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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Kate Middleton Shows Off Baby Bump

LONDON—Months after announcing her pregnancy in December, the Duchess of Cambridge Kate Middleton stepped out in public Tuesday, displaying her growing baby bump to a throng of excited onlookers. “Three months into her pregnancy, our crew spotted the usually trim duchess exhibiting a budding belly,” Daily Mirror celebrity reporter Stephanie Wood said of the expectant Middleton, who reportedly showed off her ballooning middle after leaving a routine appointment at St. Thomas’ Hospital. “Though the duchess appeared a little fatigued, we can hardly blame her. After all, she’s smiling for two now!” When reached for comment, Middleton appeared overwhelmed by her highly anticipated bundle of joy, saying only, “I can’t believe this is happening,” before royal guards escorted the weary mommy-to-be back to her private quarters at Buckingham Palace.

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