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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Kate Middleton Suffering From Morning Sickness

LONDON—Just two months away from Kate Middleton’s speculated July due date, sources close to the Royal Family confirmed today the pregnant Duchess of Cambridge is in the throes of yet another case of morning sickness. “As has been the case several times in the past few months, Kate is feeling a tad queasy,” an anonymous source told OK Magazine UK reporter Robin Healy. “However, when the Duchess isn’t sick, she has all sorts of food cravings and will always leave the plates completely spotless. That royal baby must be a hungry little guy!” The source added that an apparently overwhelmed and excited Middleton has repeatedly told those around her that she “just [wants] the baby to come out.”

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