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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Kathryn Bigelow - First Woman To Win Oscar For Best Directress

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The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences is to be commended for its charitable act in awarding the former Mrs. James Cameron, a female film director who now goes by the name Kathryn Bigelow, the first Oscar for Best Directress. The trophy, which was given to Bigelow for her delicate and mannered touch in female-directing The Hurt Locker, is identical to a director's Oscar in every detail aside from the breasts, the cocktail dress, and the ironing board clasped in its hands in lieu of a sword. "I'm extremely proud of her Oscar," James Cameron said of his former wife. "I myself have won three." Cameron is the director of the Academy Award–winning Avatar, which has grossed $2.8 billion worldwide, as well as such beloved American blockbuster classics as The Abyss, Aliens, and Titanic.

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