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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Kathryn Bigelow - First Woman To Win Oscar For Best Directress

Filmmaker

The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences is to be commended for its charitable act in awarding the former Mrs. James Cameron, a female film director who now goes by the name Kathryn Bigelow, the first Oscar for Best Directress. The trophy, which was given to Bigelow for her delicate and mannered touch in female-directing The Hurt Locker, is identical to a director's Oscar in every detail aside from the breasts, the cocktail dress, and the ironing board clasped in its hands in lieu of a sword. "I'm extremely proud of her Oscar," James Cameron said of his former wife. "I myself have won three." Cameron is the director of the Academy Award–winning Avatar, which has grossed $2.8 billion worldwide, as well as such beloved American blockbuster classics as The Abyss, Aliens, and Titanic.

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