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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Kathryn Bigelow - First Woman To Win Oscar For Best Directress

Filmmaker

The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences is to be commended for its charitable act in awarding the former Mrs. James Cameron, a female film director who now goes by the name Kathryn Bigelow, the first Oscar for Best Directress. The trophy, which was given to Bigelow for her delicate and mannered touch in female-directing The Hurt Locker, is identical to a director's Oscar in every detail aside from the breasts, the cocktail dress, and the ironing board clasped in its hands in lieu of a sword. "I'm extremely proud of her Oscar," James Cameron said of his former wife. "I myself have won three." Cameron is the director of the Academy Award–winning Avatar, which has grossed $2.8 billion worldwide, as well as such beloved American blockbuster classics as The Abyss, Aliens, and Titanic.

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