adBlockCheck

Entertainment

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

Guide To The Characters Of ‘The Force Awakens’

The highly anticipated seventh episode in the ‘Star Wars’ series, ‘The Force Awakens,’ which will be released December 18, will feature several returning characters as well as a host of new ones. Here is a guide to the characters of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens.’

Robert De Niro Stunned To Learn Of Man Who Can Quote ‘Goodfellas’

‘Bring Him To Me,’ Actor Demands

NEW YORK—Immediately halting production on his latest project after hearing of the incredible talent, legendary actor Robert De Niro was reportedly stunned to learn Wednesday that Bayonne, NJ resident Eric Sullivan, 33, can quote the critically acclaimed 1990 Martin Scorsese film Goodfellas at length.

Timeline Of The James Bond Series

This week marks the release of the 24th film in the James Bond franchise, Spectre, featuring Daniel Craig in his fourth appearance as the British secret agent. Here are some notable moments from the film series’s 53-year history
End Of Section
  • More News

Entertainment

Katie Holmes Glad She Can Finally Practice Scientology In Peace

NEW YORK—Speaking publicly for the first time since her divorce, Katie Holmes told reporters Friday that her separation from Tom Cruise has at long last given her the chance to immerse herself completely in the practice of Scientology without the intense media scrutiny that comes with being married to one of the church’s most famous members.

The actress, mother of one, and devoted Scientologist said that while she was grateful to share a belief system with Cruise, the Mission: Impossible star’s high position within the church and busy acting career often made it difficult for her to study the works of L. Ron Hubbard with the full attention and religious fervor they deserve.

"I can't tell you how good it feels to just walk into a Scientology center, sit down at Sunday service, and recite the Creed of the Church like a regular person,” said Holmes, explaining that when she attended with Cruise she was forced to make small talk with prominent church members instead of focusing on Standard Tech. "Sometimes you just want to have your thetan levels measured in the privacy of your own auditing room without all the fuss, you know?"

"Tom is one of the most passionate and committed Scientologists I know, and that's something I've always admired about him," she added. "But frankly, all that attention made it almost impossible for me to quietly slip into a chapel for a couple hours, commune with the Eighth Dynamic, and reread The Way To Happiness in peace."

Offering a litany of her frustrations, Holmes told reporters that with her husband's busy shooting schedule, she found it hard to fit in more than two or three hours of auditing per week, which she claimed just isn’t enough for someone like herself who is totally committed to moving up the Bridge to Total Freedom.

In addition, Holmes said Cruise's A-list status often brought the couple into direct contact with numerous Suppressive Persons, who the actress claimed were actively trying to subvert her goal of spreading the Scientology movement worldwide.

"Tom’s career and the nonstop media attention surrounding our marriage were extraordinarily disruptive for me and my faith," said Holmes, adding that with her divorce proceedings concluded she now hopes to devote the extra time she has to achieving Clear. "I got through it by remembering LRH’s words: 'The whole agonized future of this planet, every man, woman and child on it, and your own destiny for the next endless trillions of years depend on what you do here and now with and in Scientology.'"

Of particular concern to Holmes was the future of the couple’s 6-year-old daughter, Suri, who Holmes was worried might not receive the intensive Scientologist education she required.

"Someday, Suri might want to join Sea Org, or spend 1 or 2 billion years working at Gold Base," Holmes said. "Trapped in a pampered celebrity existence, she would never get to have that experience. And what kind of a life would that be? I want to make sure Suri's life, like mine, is fully devoted to ridding her thetan of engrams, passing through the Wall of Fire, and achieving complete control over matter, energy, space, and time. This is something I have to do as a mother."

Holmes is scheduled to make one of her first major public appearances as a newly single woman at a gala "Psychiatry Kills" event Friday night in Manhattan.

Entertainment Video

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close