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How To Prepare A Will

Writing a will ensures the proper distribution of your assets upon your death. The Onion takes you through the steps of preparing this important document

Cover Letter Writing Tips

While a résumé can display your past work experiences, a cover letter is your chance to show prospective employers who you really are and what you bring to the table. Here are The Onion’s tips for writing a memorable cover letter

Tips For Successful Campus Activism

With protests effecting change at colleges and universities across the country, many students are looking to follow the example and bring awareness to causes of their own. Here are The Onion’s tips for successful campus activism

How To Adopt A Child

Adoption is a beautiful way to provide a loving home for a child, though it is a logistically complex process that might take months or even years to complete. Here are the steps involved in adopting a child:

How To Arrange A Funeral

Losing a loved one can send mourners into a haze of emotion, and funeral planning can seem like a daunting task amidst one’s grief. Here is The Onion’s step-by-step guide to making funerary preparations

Tips For Throwing The Perfect Baby Shower

Every mother-to-be deserves a celebration of her upcoming arrival, and the best baby shower is one that fuses elegance with good fun. Here are The Onion’s tips for throwing the perfect baby shower

Tips For Jury Duty

Being summoned to serve on a jury is every American’s opportunity to participate in the judicial process and perform a civic duty for their community, but it can be a time-consuming and complicated process. Here are The Onion’s tips for serving jury duty:

Tips For Conquering Phobias

Even the most rational, clear-thinking adults can have anxieties that interfere with their routine, and learning to manage them is key to living a life free from fear. Here are The Onion’s tips for conquering your phobias:

SAT Prep Tips

The first SAT test of the new school year takes place November 7, and students’ scores will determine which colleges will take their applications seriously. Here are some tips for acing the SAT and getting into the college of your dreams

How To Talk To Your Child About Sex

It’s not easy to decide when and how to have a discussion with children about sex, and many parents wonder how explicit they should be or where to establish boundaries. Here are The Onion’s tips for having “the talk” with your kids:

Tips For Training Your Dog

Bringing a dog into the family can be as difficult as it is rewarding, and pet owners must set rules and boundaries for the newest members of their household. Here are The Onion’s tips for training your dog

Tips For Choosing The Right Veterinarian

Bringing a pet into your life is a rewarding experience, though it also involves finding someone you trust to provide capable medical care. Here are The Onion’s tips for choosing the right veterinarian:

Tips For Handling A Picky Eater

Having a child who refuses to eat most foods can be both frustrating and alarming for parents, but there are ways to work through this phase as a family. Here are The Onion’s tips for handling a picky eater

Tips For Traveling With Young Children

Family vacations can be a time for bonding and building lasting memories, but when young children are involved, trips can also be stressful to plan and execute. Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids

Tips For Cheaper Airfare

Whether the busy travel season, fuel prices, or airline collusion is to blame, airfare is currently very pricey, making traveling more difficult. The Onion walks you through some ways to reduce the cost of flying

Comic-Con Survival Guide

San Diego Comic-Con is expected to draw more than 130,000 fans to Southern California this year to participate in cosplaying, attend panels, go to film screenings, and learn more about their favorite series. Here are some tips for surviving the four-day conference

Marathon Training Tips

Running a marathon is a major life goal for many people, but it takes precise planning and extensive training to succeed in the 26.2-mile-long race. Here are some training tips for marathon hopefuls:

Tips For Keeping Your Energy Bills Down

Extreme heat during the summer means many households will face months of skyrocketing energy bills. Here are some tips for saving energy and keeping your monthly bill reasonable

Keeping Your Possessions Safe While Traveling

Traveling during the summer can be fun and exhilarating, but nothing ruins a trip like getting your possessions stolen. Whether you’re hiking, road-tripping, or relaxing at a resort, here are some tips for making sure your items are safe during your travels:

The Onion’s Guide To Beach Etiquette

The arrival of summer means that the nation’s beaches will soon be crowded with swimmers, tanners, surfers, and more, so it’s important for everyone to be conscious of each other’s space and needs. Here are some etiquette tips to ensure that everyone has a safe and relaxing time at the beach:

Car Buying Tips

Buying a car is a huge financial investment, and it’s important to make sure you’ve taken the right steps to finding the most affordable and convenient vehicle for you. Here are some tips for picking out and purchasing a car:

Breakup Survival Tips

Everyone goes through breakups, but learning how to deal with your feelings and find closure can help you get over your split in a healthy, productive way. Here are some tips for surviving your breakup and moving on from your relationship

Tips For Last-Minute Test Cramming

With the academic year winding down at grade schools and colleges across the country, students are buckling down and trying to maximize their study time before taking final exams. Here are some helpful tips as you cram for a test

Guide To Building Your Personal Brand

With the internet becoming more central to people’s personal and professional lives, it’s more important than ever for individuals to build a “personal brand” that markets themselves to the online community. Here are some tips for cultivating a personal brand

Tips For Going Green

As climate change, pollution, and population growth continue to damage the environment, it’s more important than ever for consumers to make eco-friendly decisions and practice green habits.

Tips For Dealing With College Rejection

Colleges across the country have mailed out acceptance and rejection letters for next year’s incoming class of students, which means many high school seniors will have to confront being denied admission to their top schools and figure out how to ...
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'Keep-Cool' Tips

Much of the U.S. remains in the grips of a record heat wave. Here are some handy tips to help you stay cool and safe in this dangerously hot summer weather:

  • Purchase a Celsius thermometer to enjoy summer temperatures that rarely exceed 35 degrees.
  • Grow a coat of dense fur. While this may sound far-fetched, the fur will actually insulate your skin and protect it from the heat.
  • The yellow face, it burns us. Stay in your dank cave and guard your precious.
  • Seal all doors and windows, then flood your home with refreshing Lipton iced tea.
  • Stephen King's The Tommyknockers will chill you to the very bone.
  • If you leave pets in the car with the windows rolled up, be sure to stop by the parking lot every 30 minutes or so to baste them.
  • Remember: Heat rises. Fall into a deep well.
  • Strenuous exercise can lead to heat exhaustion. If you must have sex, let the bitch do all the work.
  • Put out any fires in your home to reduce heat.
  • Under no circumstances should you pay heed to emergency requests from power companies to limit air-conditioner use. Run your air conditioner at full blast until you brown out the entire region.
  • Keep your dentures, hip brace, diapers and wig in the freezer when not in use.
  • Heat is a manifestation of infrared radiation, the low-frequency part of the electromagnetic spectrum that is emitted by aliens. To prevent exposure to these Venusian mind-control waves, wrap head in tinfoil.
  • Keep cool with delicious Frosty Fritz-brand frozen ice-cream treats.
  • If possible, cause the sun to collapse into a singularity, or "black hole."
  • Avoid "hot" programming like Cinemax After Dark.
  • Lose some weight, you goddamn walrus.

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