'Keep-Cool' Tips

Top Headlines

Recent News

Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage



Local Household Announces Plans To Overdo Halloween Again

HIGHLAND PARK, IL—Having hauled over a dozen boxes of lights and plastic decorations as well as a large black-cat-shaped lawn inflatable from storage, members of the Hutchcroft family announced to neighbors from their front yard Thursday their plan to completely overdo Halloween again this year.

'Keep-Cool' Tips

Much of the U.S. remains in the grips of a record heat wave. Here are some handy tips to help you stay cool and safe in this dangerously hot summer weather:

  • Purchase a Celsius thermometer to enjoy summer temperatures that rarely exceed 35 degrees.
  • Grow a coat of dense fur. While this may sound far-fetched, the fur will actually insulate your skin and protect it from the heat.
  • The yellow face, it burns us. Stay in your dank cave and guard your precious.
  • Seal all doors and windows, then flood your home with refreshing Lipton iced tea.
  • Stephen King's The Tommyknockers will chill you to the very bone.
  • If you leave pets in the car with the windows rolled up, be sure to stop by the parking lot every 30 minutes or so to baste them.
  • Remember: Heat rises. Fall into a deep well.
  • Strenuous exercise can lead to heat exhaustion. If you must have sex, let the bitch do all the work.
  • Put out any fires in your home to reduce heat.
  • Under no circumstances should you pay heed to emergency requests from power companies to limit air-conditioner use. Run your air conditioner at full blast until you brown out the entire region.
  • Keep your dentures, hip brace, diapers and wig in the freezer when not in use.
  • Heat is a manifestation of infrared radiation, the low-frequency part of the electromagnetic spectrum that is emitted by aliens. To prevent exposure to these Venusian mind-control waves, wrap head in tinfoil.
  • Keep cool with delicious Frosty Fritz-brand frozen ice-cream treats.
  • If possible, cause the sun to collapse into a singularity, or "black hole."
  • Avoid "hot" programming like Cinemax After Dark.
  • Lose some weight, you goddamn walrus.