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Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?
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Keep Safe: What To Do If You See A Brain-Damaged Former NFL Player

Though the NFL claims they closely monitor brain-damaged retirees to keep them away from the general public, here are some things to remember if you see a former football player.

  • If you're in immediate danger, get on the ground and play injured. The former player will likely stand over you and do a demeaning dance, but will walk away after that.
  • Confuse the player with a hard snap count.
  • Drop anything you're holding and the player will likely fall on it.
  • If a player falls to the ground in an epileptic fit, don't waste time trying to comfort him. Former players have seizures all the time, they can't even feel them anymore.
  • You may be able to avoid confrontation by standing perfectly still, as linebackers vision is based around detecting movement.
  • Due to their fragile brains, shining a flashlight in the players' eyes three times rapidly followed by two long flashes will instantly kill the player.
  • Call your local NFL team: if the player is violent enough, there may still be a spot for him on the practice squad.

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