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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Keep Safe: What To Do If You See A Brain-Damaged Former NFL Player

Though the NFL claims they closely monitor brain-damaged retirees to keep them away from the general public, here are some things to remember if you see a former football player.

  • If you're in immediate danger, get on the ground and play injured. The former player will likely stand over you and do a demeaning dance, but will walk away after that.
  • Confuse the player with a hard snap count.
  • Drop anything you're holding and the player will likely fall on it.
  • If a player falls to the ground in an epileptic fit, don't waste time trying to comfort him. Former players have seizures all the time, they can't even feel them anymore.
  • You may be able to avoid confrontation by standing perfectly still, as linebackers vision is based around detecting movement.
  • Due to their fragile brains, shining a flashlight in the players' eyes three times rapidly followed by two long flashes will instantly kill the player.
  • Call your local NFL team: if the player is violent enough, there may still be a spot for him on the practice squad.

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