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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Keep Safe: What To Do If You See A Brain-Damaged Former NFL Player

Though the NFL claims they closely monitor brain-damaged retirees to keep them away from the general public, here are some things to remember if you see a former football player.

  • If you're in immediate danger, get on the ground and play injured. The former player will likely stand over you and do a demeaning dance, but will walk away after that.
  • Confuse the player with a hard snap count.
  • Drop anything you're holding and the player will likely fall on it.
  • If a player falls to the ground in an epileptic fit, don't waste time trying to comfort him. Former players have seizures all the time, they can't even feel them anymore.
  • You may be able to avoid confrontation by standing perfectly still, as linebackers vision is based around detecting movement.
  • Due to their fragile brains, shining a flashlight in the players' eyes three times rapidly followed by two long flashes will instantly kill the player.
  • Call your local NFL team: if the player is violent enough, there may still be a spot for him on the practice squad.

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