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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
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Keeping an Open Mind

In the modern world we are constantly exposed to new ideas, concepts and cultures and we are expected to experience them without preconceived notions, which can be difficult for some. Here are some ways to help keep an open mind:

  • Trying new things can be scary but if your little brother can do it, what's your problem?
  • If you believe in yourself you can accomplish anything, but let’s be honest it will probably just be data-entry again.
  • Meditation is an excellent way to clear your head, just remember to stay far away from those fucking kids of yours.
  • It is better to regret something you have done than something you haven't, so act with total disregard for the laws of God and Man.
  • Every day, do at least one thing you've never done before, such as painting a masterpiece, writing a hit song or going outdoors.
  • Be respectful of all religions, so if a different one than yours is the right one they might put you in the nice part of Hell.
  • Things are often different than they appear, for example something like a simple brownie can leave you tripping your balls off for the next twelve hours.
  • Your ideas about sex are probably inhibited and repressive. Why not unshackle yourself by taking off your pants. Right now. Let's live a little.

More from this section

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

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