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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Web Series Reaches 100 Views

A comedic webisode about two roommates became a viral sensation this week after reaching the unprecedented 100 view milestone.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Keith Hernandez Narrowing Down List Of Places Women Do And Don't Belong

NEW YORK—Mets broadcaster Keith Hernandez, the subject of recent controversy after remarking that women "don't belong in the dugout," called a press conference yesterday to further explain places where he believes women do or do not belong. "While I still do not believe that women belong in dugouts, locker rooms, and many other locations, I believe women do in fact belong in certain other places," Hernandez said.  "For instance, they belong in souvenir kiosks, reception areas, certain places in the press box, and even limited locations in large board rooms. That's not to say that I think they belong only in the kitchen or bedroom, regardless of where they're best suited to be. I just don't think they should be in the dugout." Although he was not specifically asked, Hernandez also took time to speak at length as to what he believed was the proper place for society's Hispanics.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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