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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

Scientology Minister Accused Of Molesting Thetans

The Church of Scientology plunged into scandal Thursday when Frank D. Linehan, a prominent minister who has helped thousands of parishioners move up the Bridge to Total Freedom and achieve Clear, was arrested on 471 charges of molesting alien thetans.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Kemba Walker Wants To Be The One To Throw Ball Up At Very End Of Game

HOUSTON—Opening up to reporters at a press conference Sunday, Connecticut all-American guard Kemba Walker explained at great length that should the Huskies have the fortune of winning Monday's national championship game, he would like to be the player who launches the basketball into the air as the final seconds run out. "Hours of practice, all the games, everything we've achieved this year, it all leads up to that moment; as those final seconds tick down, I want the ball in my hands so I can throw it really, really high," Walker said. "There are a lot of options in a moment like that—one hand, two hands, straight up, out into the crowd—but in the end, only one thing matters: really chucking it way up there with all you've got." After speaking to the media, Walker made his way to Connecticut's final practice, where he spent the majority of his time trying to get a ball to hit the rafters.

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